Wise monkeys - abuse allegations are a serious business

What is abuse?

Abuse allegations are extremely common in the Family Court.

But what is `abuse’? It’s a good question but the answer isn’t a simple one. It depends on your viewpoint, context and the situation you’re facing. For some people the identity of who is doing what changes things too.

In many ways it is a deeply subjective matter. However:

Allegations of abuse are common in the Family Court

You’ll probably know this already if you have been a party in a case. In terms of Children Act proceedings courts are obliged to investigate allegations of abuse – the best interests of the child being paramount. And it’s a fair point: If you were a judge do you fear more being criticised for delaying things to investigate allegations…or being effectively responsible for effectively allowing severe abuse of a child (or even adult) to take place.

Allegations are also common when it comes to finance hearings (under the Matrimonial Causes Act) despite behaviour rarely being a factor that affects a court-determined outcome. Section 25 (which lists factors the court considers) states:

the conduct of each of the parties, if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the court be inequitable to disregard it;

…in other words – only in extreme circumstances.

And finally when it comes to divorce itself if the grounds used are unreasonable behaviour (by the far most common one) abuse is covered by the words

that the respondent has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent;

Abuse allegations - legal finger pointing?The point here is that among the legitimate reasons to mention abuse (such as they actually happened) there are clear tactical advantages to make allegations.

I want to point out that for victims who have experienced domestic abuse this can be a very traumatic time. You probably have just found your voice for the first time and want to keep you and your children safe.

Whether they are true or not is an entirely different discussion (and what Finding of Facts are for) but they very often impact how a case plays out in the arenas mentioned above. Even in areas of law where they rarely count as a factor it is innate human nature to magnify and elaborate on any dissent because it is purely human nature to believe that inappropriate behaviour should be punished in some way.

Why are abuse allegations common?

If you asked the more cynical among us they’d likely say it to be a low risk, high potential gain strategy: There is almost never penalty if allegations are comprehensively proven to be false. It may sway a court. It may help obtain a Legal Aid-funded solicitor and/or barrister. It’ll delay proceedings in a child contact case. It’ll provide moral justification for preventing contact. It’ll help fire with fire. And so on…

From the opposite perspective? It’s because abuse is so common. Because abuse is much more common when relationships end. Because abusers allege abuser to attempt to control their victim. Because it muddies the waters when working out who is the victim and who is the perpetrator. Because it is revenge.

What does the court think of abuse allegations?

Once again, put yourself in the shoes of the judge. Almost every case you hear involves allegations of abuse. You understand the whole human nature thing. You’re dealing with people who are upset, angry and doing everything to make sure they get the majority of the money/kids/sympathy/whatever. In many situations you’ll think it has no bearing; but you have to investigate it if it comes to kids.

You may ignore the allegations entirely. You may ask the accused man/woman their side of things. You may, if you consider there is any mileage in the allegations to order a Finding of Fact (or consider it a relevant factor when it comes to finance or divorce).

How to react when you are accused of abuse?

In a word: Don’t.

Wise monkeys - abuse allegations are a serious business

Other than to say I refute the `allegations’ (we’ve been here before) if you believe them to be false there is nothing more to say on the factor. The court is there to decide if they are true or a factor in the matter before it – you’re not. And this follows the same broad `Innocent until proven guilty’ principle. Furiously denying everything at every point while understandable will make you lose your focus at the same time it makes you look…dodgy.

Being in the court process can be painful. Facing allegations of abuse are common and you should take some comfort that many others in a court case also face allegations they find hurtful and insulting. It needs to be understood that courts see them day in and day out too – and they seldom have any long term impact on the outcome of what is happening.

As always…stay focused.

4 more myths about the Family Courts

Myths. In our experience people tend to believe a lot of things that aren’t true, don’t help them and costs them time and money. It’s all part of the warp and weft of being a litigant in person.

Myths may be great stories but they won't help you in courtOf course, if you have a solicitor you should avoid these problems. As they know the law (hopefully) they will tell you what is possible, what isn’t and how what you want fits in with how the law and the way the actual day to day stuff works.

As a litigant in person you don’t have this luxury however.

If you’re not using one of our stunningly talented, good looking and charismatic team members it’s down to you to read, learn and understand. The law isn’t written for you to understand. It’s written for our learn’d friends with legal qualifications, apprenticeships and time spent as a trainee.

There are many, many things to misunderstand in the legal system. Lots apparently small and insignificant stuff that can change the entire complexion and trajectory of what happens.

Another 4 myths  worth remembering…

No. 1 – Changing the names of children by deed poll doesn’t count for much.

Sorry. If you’ve spent a few hundred on one for your child in the hope you can change your mind…you’ve been done. At this point I’ll usually be told (by someone who has wasted their money on a deed poll that they aren’t a waste of paper, ink and gold lettering). It’s worth remembering surnames are considered by the court to be more important than the first name however.

Think about it for a moment. The Children Act says:

(1)Where a [child arrangements order to which subsection (4) applies] is in force with respect to a child, no person may—

(a)cause the child to be known by a new surname;

…because a piece of paper that hasn’t been issued by the court doesn’t count.

And neither does any number of schools, doctors, dentists or whoever that will happily accept it – they don’t know the law. Simple as that.

If you have a deed poll for your kid is it of any use at all?

Partially. So you already have a deedpoll with the name of your choice. When it comes to getting a passport with this name you’ll need to send the deedpoll and a letter from everyone else who has PR saying they agree with this to the Passport Agency and it’ll all be good.

If you want to a change a name otherwise you’ll need either the agreement of everyone else with PR or a court order (a C100 for a Specific Issues Order).

There’s no other way round it.

No. 2 – Money and contact are linked.

One of the myths is that money and contact are linkedOh no they’re not! Kids are not pay per view. We’ve heard people linking money and contact repeatedly but that’s a sure fire way of making yourself look…bad `You can see the kids when you pay me!’ isn’t exactly a child-focused thing to say.

Contact is either in the best interests of the child or it isn’t. Contributing towards the financial support of a child is (somewhat unsurprisingly) always seen as a good thing. Which is why a primary carer who refuses to accept money from the other parent, refuses to hand bank account details, etc. isn’t acting in the best interests.

It’s the whole reason there agencies to handle maintenance to replace the court hearings that used to deal with it.

Of course, it doesn’t stop people doing all of the above or shouting about it in court.

It’s a scenario many people are familiar with – blackening the character of the other party in court. It is argued that a parent who doesn’t contribute or refuses to accept cash from the other parent is just showing another way they’re not thinking of the children.

It’s not unheard of by a court to be interested in this and to sometimes draw inferences, but to be blunt…they shouldn’t.

No 3 – It can all be sorted out in the first hearing.

OK, you got me. It can be. It is entirely possible to get to a hearing and for an agreement to be made that resolves the entire issue, the court agreeing that this can happen.

But I am guessing it is unlikely to happen.

What is more typical is that a primary carer will stick to their guns and offer no contact at all or at most in a contact centre. If there is no agreement the court will most likely say it cannot make an order without this – it can…but it won’t and you aren’t going to convince them.

So manage your expectations, do your homework and work on everything you can to make sure you are fully prepared for things further down the line.

No.4 – It’s a good thing if your ex doesn’t have a solicitor.

…or if you can get his/her solicitor removed if they are funded by Legal Aid.

In most cases we’d say `No it isn’t’.

Because while it is undoubtedly true that your ex’s solicitor represents their position it is also a fact that he/she really, really doesn’t want to say to a judge something like `Yes – my client is denying contact, has no child-focused reason to do so and is doing it merely to punish their ex partner‘ – defending the indefensible is never much fun. A good solicitor will advise their client when they are doing something that isn’t going to help their case and often lean on them to be more reasonable (OK…appear to be more reasonable). Pay close attention while you are in court and you may sometimes hear a barrister or solicitor being very pointed with a client suggesting in the nicest possible way that they’re about to be torn off a strip in court. Sometimes there is…shouting. I’ve heard it.

Now imagine your ex, alone.

He/she will agree to nothing. Will make allegations at random intervals…which will hold up any progression while they are dealt with. Will slow things down by producing irrelevant and confusing information.

In short, stuff you’d never hear about if your ex had assistance. I’m not saying your ex’s solicitor is your best friend – it’s fairer to consider them a double edged sword where you are concerned. Your first question should be `Would my ex having a solicitor cause me more help than harm?’ Sometimes the question is harder to answer than you think.

Myths can damage your case

A final piece of advice is this: Don’t go alone.

Use a McKenzie Friend. Or a solicitor. Either way…learn. Because no one cares about your case as much as you do. You get to live with the consquences of your actions – no one else does.

Court and pearls of wisdom

4 ways to improve your chances in court

You are not a victim in court. You are not powerless. It is far too easy to see yourself at the mercy of your ex, the court and the rest of the cloud of people you will come into contact with when you wish to change a situation you are not happy with.

I don’t blame you though.

Because when you become involved the Family Court you will make a huge chorus that say you are doomed. They could include:

  1. The ex’s solicitor. He or she (paid handsomely by the ex) will tell you stuff that would make any right-minded person throw the towel in before the first metaphorical shot is fired. Why do you think he or she does that?
  2. Friends, family and people you have never met from social media. A huge club who combine ignorance of the facts, ignorance of the law and personal agendas. It’ll include the bloke who told the judge like it is – the one who is as mad as hell and isn’t going to take it any more…and has no contact.
  3. Some of the court staff. Be it the CAFCASS officer who tells you that contact only really works if the parent who has the child agrees to it. Or his/her counterpart in Social Services saying the same thing (who may tell you that absolutely positively have no choice but to sign that Section 20 if you are mired in a public law case).
  4. Organisations pushing an agenda about bias and incompetence in the system. I’m not going to make a judgement about that one. But again – listen to that sort of thing and you’ll end up feeling like a long walk off a short pier sounds mighty attractive.

It’s enough you to want to go and join the French Foreign Legion or something isn’t it?

You have more power in court that you think

Court and pearls of wisdomThat applies even if no one in the courtroom apparently likes you. Even if the judge has seemingly decided he/she doesn’t like the look of your face the moment you walk in. Even if you have been threatened with a £20,000 costs order, no contact with the kids ever and a day in the stocks on the village green while you wear the latest in fermented tomatoes on your face.

Court – things that can only ever help

Despite all the relentless negativity so far (you’re still reading?) there are some absolute pearls of wisdom that will help you no matter who or where you are, what the situation is or how seemingly hopeless it all seems.

If I were going to get all `Gunnery Sergeant Hartman’ on you at this point I would point out that there are no exceptions here. These points are by and large common sense…and again – we get it. That’s part of the reason we do the job we do – to help you focus when things are hard – many McKenzie Friends ended up doing the job after personal experience of this all.

So what are these pieces of enlightenment? Here goes:

Cast iron habits to help you in court

  1. Don’t give up. I know, I know, I know. But consider this. You have a 100% chance of getting nowhere if you walk away. There aren’t many guarantees in court but this is one of them. You may say you have no chance if you don’t give up…but I’ll also guarantee you it’s less than 100%. Only you decide if you give up – no one else at all. Own it!
  2. Sell the solution. The court will take the easy option. If that means you walking away…that’s marked as a success (because you have obviously come to an amicable arrangement with your ex…obviously). If it means ordering no contact because you got yourself a non molestation order, a caution or a PIN or whatever because you `kicked off’ at the wrong time in the wrong place…that’s marked as a success. Remember kids – even indirect contact is considered a success!
  3. Focus. At the start ask yourself this: `What do I want out of this case?’ If it is anything other than building a relationship with your kids you’re probably not going to have much fun or luck. Because that is the only topic for the court arena. Don’t get distracted either – keep your eye on the ball. Don’t concentrate on the ex’s 493 ridiculous, fictitious and painful allegations. If the court wants to entertain them, they’ll order a Finding of Fact.
  4. The court does expect you to be an angel but...Be whiter than white. If the ex has dirt on you, it’s a fair bet it’ll be discussed in court to justify denying you contact (because it beats him/her saying `Yes – I did deny contact without legal basis. I’m doing it to punish you’. Don’t give your ex ammunition or justification for his or hers actions – which could be backed up with screen prints of your abusive messages, police reports of your arrest or witness statement of the nice old lady next door who saw and heard you shouting threats through the letter box while demanding to see the kids.

Court – it’s up to you

It’s more than practical stuff too. A positive mindset will help immensely. It’s hard enough as it is without you shooting yourself in the foot from the outset.

Stay calm and carry on, chaps.

Don't ruin your own case1

4 more ways to ruin your own case.

You’ll ruin your own case in a way your ex could.

Don't ruin your own case1You’re going to ruin it. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Except this enemy is you. You’re going to shoot yourself in the foot, spike your own guns and hand your ex as much ammunition as he/she needs to be able to prove without a shadow of a doubt what a terrible person you are.

You can’t control what your ex is going to say and do but you sure as hell are going to take control of what you say to do.

And it’s going to be like watching a slow motion car crash.

You’re going to get aggressive with anyone who doesn’t agree with you. You’ll tell them they don’t understand. That they are weak for not being as angry as you. And that you’d do anything for your kids.

Apart from winding your neck in, presumably. That’s one thing you can’t do.

Here’s another 4 great ways you will end up as an object lesson to others

  1. Fight everyone involved in your case. The judge. The ex’s legal representative. The CAFCASS officers. The social worker. Your kid’s doctor and school. Make sure that everyone whose opinion may hold weight in a court case know exactly just how angry, aggressive you are and keen to make sure they all know about your rights. You get bonus points if you get yourself arrested by the police by getting stroppy in the wrong place and wrong time (a breach of the peaceis always a favourite). I mean…the ex says you are an angry and aggressive person so by doing this you’re definitely not proving them right are you? And he or she will have the police report to back it up.
  2. Fools ruin their own casesDon’t bother with stupid paperwork and evidence. Pfft! The court doesn’t need to see that killer piece of evidence to clearly back up your assertions does it? You don’t need to know where each document is that you may need during a hearing. A 10p Tesco carrier bag will be fine. Scribbling words like `Lies!’ or `****!’ on original documents are good too.
  3. Act now and don’t worry about the consequences. You may have to live with whatever happens for the next 15 years but if the ex has done or said something that really riles you make sure you file off an angry email or text message as quickly as you can furiously hammer it out. This’ll further help show what an angry person you are. The star prize will probably be a stint on the witness stand answering questions that make you look like a fool no matter what you say. Your McKenzie Friend will not have their head in their hands but they will be hoping the ground opens up swallowing them, the court but most of all…you.
  4. Go entirely alone. A litigant in person should go alone. Because you are able to listen, talk, think and take notes whilst in a sometimes highly stressful and fast moving area you have little experience of. You don’t need no stinkin‘ solicitor or McKenzie Friend. What are you…chicken?

You have more power than you realise. Don’t ruin it.

Even if you are a non resident parent who feels like they are marching to the ex’s tune. You ex has no power over you at all unless you let them. Consider your ex a liar? Prove them wrong by being reasonable in the face of provocation. Document where needed. Think ahead. Take advice.

It’s down to you.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Because it ain’t. Plenty of us have been there. We know exactly how it feels. But at the end of the day you have no control of anything other than yourself.

Your call, guys.

What happens at hearings

We’re getting a lot of enquiries from people who are on the way to court hearings and are nervous about what is going to happen.

Michaela talks about what you can expect to happen…

91(14) barring orders – the skinny.

Barring orders. They’re the stuff of legends. As in `most people don’t seem to know the truth about them’. Among the many, many myths litigants in person seem to believe along with the fact that solicitors sleep in coffins, court staff are incompetent and judges bang gavels whilst shouting `Order! Order!’ is the one that 91(14) barring orders mean that if you are the proud owner of one you’re not allowed to make an application. Let me give the legal term for this belief:

Rubbish

91(14) barring orders don’t stop you making applications

Barring orders are not dead endsTaking the Ronseal principle when it comes to names it’s a reasonable mistake to make. I’ve lost count of the number of people who tell me they are not allowed to make another application for another 1/2/3 years and after having a quick look at their order it becomes clear they just don’t understand what it really means.

In practical terms 91(14) barring orders do one thing. They add an extra hurdle when it comes to filling in the forms. If you’re completing your favourite application form (what’s that kids? Mr C100?) you’ll need to fill in the C2 too. The C2 is the permission form. You send them both at the same time and you only pay once. Not twice.

It’s a pain in the bum, but it’s not disastrous (chances are you have other stuff on your mind like not seeing your kids…).

What you’ll do to get a barring order

These orders aren’t that common. You’ll usually have to surpass yourself to end up with one but it is possible and we’ve spoken to quite a few people who have one. It’s more common for the other party to mention they are going to seek one to dissuade you from making further applications (but as we know kids…it’s the courts that make the orders).

You can get one of these orders made against you by being vexatious (i.e. making an applications so often you’re on a first name basis with the security guards) without good reason – you know…making an emergency application because the turned up with the kids 20 minutes late a couple of times.

The court may want the existing order to `bed in’ without being changed too soon. It may want you not to attempt to impose another disruption on your kids’ routine.

How does a court make one?

It’ll make one when the other side/authority/CAFCASS (or even the court – it can make orders without anyone asking for one). Remember however  – these are time limited. They have a life span. We’ve seen ones lasting between 6 months and 3 years (although these are extremes).

Reasons for making an application even if you have a 91(14) barring order against you

Simple. Either circumstances have changed significantly or fresh evidence has come to light. In both of these you need to consider if you believe the court will make a different decision; if it doesn’t you will have proved the point that such an order is required and you’ll be sent away with your flea in your ear. Actually…that’s not true. You’ll get a letter back telling you that your application has been refused and to go away.

If things are going well the court may grant your application without seeing you. In our experience what is more likely is that there will be a hearing to deal specifically with whether you will get permission for the application to go ahead or get thrown out.

So that’s it. The tl:dr here is simple. Don’t make silly applications. Don’t do anything unless you have a good chance of winning. A 91(14) barring order isn’t the end of the world but it is extra hassle you don’t need.

Why CAFCASS make court orders

CAFCASS make the court orders. Or if you are involved in with Social Services, them. Even the ex’s solicitors can tell you what is going to happen in a court case. And you have no choice do you? They’ll do the reports, provide the recommendations or tell you that if you don’t do what they say you’ll find your child removed or your time with them restricted.

It’s a scary thought isn’t it? And you sure as hell better play ball. Right?

Let me let you into a little secret…

Only the court can make court orders

The clue is in the name.

No one other than the nice man or lady (or men and ladies) can tell you what to do. They’re the ones who have the power to make a court order you don’t want, don’t like and don’t agree with. If you don’t agree to something, say so. And make it clear.

Court orders - do as you are told?Should you agree to something – no matter how much you really don’t want to and no matter how much you feel you are being pressured into something…you have agreed to it. Agreement is agreement is agreement. It won’t wash that you were pushed into it.

Because the response you’ll likely get is `But you did agree to it didn’t you? And you would have sought legal advice on it before you did so surely?’

Now don’t get me wrong. I get it. You are faced with a social worker who tells you your kids will be taken away and you won’t be allowed to see them if you don’t agree to a Section 20. Or CAFCASS will tell you that their recommendations are effectively set in stone and there is nothing you can do about it. Or even the ex’s solicitor telling you that if you don’t agree to your application being dropped you will end up paying their costs and you’ll be seeing the kid’s in a contact centre until hell freezes over.

Not even your friendly neighbourhood McKenzie Friend

The court order is all that counts

Furthermore you don’t have to convince anyone else. No one at all. Just the court. Because they make the orders. Because if it ain’t on the court, it doesn’t count.

Ever heard `POIDH‘? `Picture or it didn’t happen’? Same thing.

But having read of this…am I telling you to ignore CAFCASS? Social Services? The ex’s solicitor.

No.

I know, I know. I am contradicting myself again. Here he goes…telling me to ignore the lot of them and no he’s saying the opposite. But in terms of making court orders – they don’t make them.

Listen to people. Consider what they’re saying. They may be right. They be wrong. They may even be trying to help you (it doesn’t happen you know…I’ve met people in all parts of the Family Law system who are genuinely nice people who don’t like some parts of their job). While you’re being nice to them (we covered that earlier didn’t we kids?) understand they have an opinion just like you…and it may not be right.

Your job is to convince the court

As it says above. Your job is to convince the court. But it’s also to listen and respond as needed to everyone else who is involved. And to weigh up all aspects of your case.

But don’t assume that because someone in an apparent position of authority tells you something will happen that it will happen.

It ain’t over until the court order is made.

LiP Commandments (Part 2)

Welcome back to our new sermon, erm, blog post. To err is human, but to forgive is divine – and few people will blame you for making mistakes as you make your way through the vale of tears, the path of many faced with the family court. As promised we’d like to give you another 5 commandments – things to do and things not to do that’ll make a big difference to your case.

No one is perfect and chances are that we have all done a few things we wished we hadn’t or not done things we wish we had.

Here commenceth the lesson.

More LiP Commandments

6.) Thou Shall Care for Thine Documents

It always puzzles us why people how people treat the pieces of paper that can make a difference between an outcome in court they will live with and one they would positively hate. We’ve seen original documents written over (swear words and insults are always a `favourite’ of ours which means you are going to have to spend a lot of time with a copy and a bottle of Tippex removing comments that the court and the other side will find very interesting and useful.

Or else the documents are `filed’ in a bag that has the name of a supermarket in it and was formerly used to store a back of King Edward potatoes.

Don’t do it. Don’t write over documents. Put them in a ring binder in an orderly manner. It’ll mean they are nice and clean. You’ll also know where each one is when you need to refer to it.

7.) Thou Shalt Hope for the Best and Plan for the Worst

Be positive. You’ll do better in your case and feel better. It’s a tough and challenging situation you are in. It’s hard to stay positive true. But look after yourself and work on the principle that one day, none of this will matter.

Speak to many of the `old hands’ who have been through what you have several years (or decades) before and you’ll see that one day all this will be old new and you likely won’t care. Because life will be OK.

But don’t assume this means you should wait for things to get better on their own.

Work on the principle that documents will get lost. That no one else cares. That you are the only one who will meet that deadline.

In practical terms that means doing things like taking spare copies of statements to court if you have previously filed them as ordered. Or finding out the name, address, opening hours and requirements of that contact centre you may be stuck in for a while – so the court is in a better position to make an order there and then.

8.) Thou Shalt Not be Seen to Get Angry or Upset

You may well have good cause to be angry or upset. No one will actually blame you for this…but as sure as eggs is eggs it will be used against you if you put it on display. Doing so will mean contact is delayed. You’ll end up in a contact centre. You’ll end up on an anger management course. You’ll end up facing a Finding of Fact hearing or a Non Molestation Order.

If you need support, get it. Contact a support organisation of charity of your choice – where you can let off steam and learn to deal with the injustice you feel.

Don’t do it in court or anywhere else you will prejudice your case.

9.) Though Shalt Be Nice to Everyone Thy Meet

Everyone. The CAFCASS Officer. The court office staff. The security guards. The ushers (the ones in the black robes you’ll see in court). The judge, magistrates or legal advisors. Even the ex’s solicitor.

Monk - Ten CommandmentsYes. It may be hard. But you get more flies with honey than vinegar. And despite what you may think they are human beings – meaning they are more likely to be well disposed to you if you are pleasant. They are also less likely to believe you are the awful person your ex may be trying to paint you as if you are Mr or Ms Cool, Calm and Collected. As opposed to shouting swear words in the waiting room because you are angry the ex has said you shout swear words at people when you are angry.

In addition to all this, you are less likely to become unfocused.

10.) Thou Shalt Not Give Up; Thou Shalt Play the Long Game

There are very few situations where you have no legal options when it comes to your kids (yes…there are some – we know).

Don’t expect it to be plain sailing. You will come out of hearings wondering what the hell happened and that giving up may be the best thing for your sanity, your children and your finances. It is inevitable you will things are moving too slowly (or not at all). But you are there to secure an outcome in the long term – not within the next couple of weeks.

You may say you have no chance whatsoever. The best way to ensure you that happens is to walk away. No one can make you do that other than you however.

TL:DR – Commandments in Short

Expect it to be hard. Expect it to feel unfair. Be nice. Be prepared. Stay Calm. These commandments are really just common sense. It can be hard to follow them all when you feel attacked at every angle and it involves your kids. But it is possible to get an outcome you can live with.

That’s it.

LiP Commandments (Part 1)

We are all but imperfect human beings. We all do things with the best of motives and upon searching our souls know the best and right thing to do even while we go off and do something entirely different, making achieving our goals and reaching the happiness we crave so much more difficult. Following a few simple commandments will make your life a lot easier.

Here at Family Law Assistance we’ve seen and heard a lot. We’ve seen a wide range of tactics used (and justified) – and we’ve seen the outcome for good and bad. We also see things more clearly very often, our clients paying us to provide a more clinical view of a case than they are able to. Because at the end of the day they’re your kids and not ours – it is hard to be impartial when it comes to your own children.

So it’s fair to say we have a good idea of what works and what doesn’t.

It’s common for people to say `I bet you’ve not anyone as bad as my ex’ or `I bet this is the worst case you have ever seen’. You’d be surprised – we won’t discuss details (a two year custodial sentence for contempt of court often offends) – but it is fair to say we’ve seen some challenging situations.

There is often a pattern however – certain immutable rules that are a sure fire way to help or hinder your case. If we were gamblers we’d have a fair guess when it comes to what will and won’t work in a court case.

So with no further ado…

LiP Commandments

1.) Thou Shalt Not Slag Thine Ex off on Social Media

Church - Ten Commandments?No excuses. Ever. Because there are none that will be accepted by a court in mitigation if you are asked to justify why you describe your ex as a ****', a `****’ or even a `****’. You won’t be thanked your honest or your insight even if you are demonstrably correct. Instead you are likely to be painted as someone who is more interested in sticking it to your ex than you are producing a child-focused solution.

Better still? Don’t mention the ex at all. Or your case. You don’t have to convince us, remember. Just the court…

Pro-tip: Slagging the ex off or what he/she is doing whilst not naming them won’t cut it.

2.) Though Shalt Remain Whiter than White at All times

Many people feel they are lied about during court hearings. Why give the other party the opportunity to say unpleasant and true things about you – even better for them if they can prove it?

Again…the court won’t be persuaded by the argument `Yes – I know I did that but he/she is just as bad or worse!’ Or anything else for that matter.

No matter unfair it may seem or indeed be.

3.) Thou Shalt Keep Thine Eye Upon The Ball

What are you going to court for? Proving the ex wrong? Having your say? Getting things on record? Or for ensuring your kids have a relationship with you?

The court will only take any notice of the last one of these. If your motivation for making an application is anything else…save yourself the cost, time, effort and heartache and don’t bother. Seriously. Go on a nice holiday or something instead.

And don’t waste your time trying to get the court to do stuff it doesn’t have the power to order – like communicating with you.

If you do go to court make sure your original motivation for going there stays the same throughout. Don’t get distracted by false allegations – refute them. Don’t get into arguments over anything other than your kids’ best interests. If the other side can change the subject and get you riled…they will. Be wise to it.

4.) Thou Shalt Not Take the whole Family Law System Head on

Maybe you’re a tough guy who never gives up. Show me the man/woman who will tell you `At least I had the guts to tell that judge and everyone else like it is’ and I will show you someone with no contact and non molestation and barring orders against him/her.

That’s because the court is geared to dealing with angry, aggressive and unreasonable people who will shout the odds and get aggressive when they don’t get their way. Do that and you’ll be chewed up, spat out and forgotten by the time you’re out of the court room door.

5.) Thou Shalt Listen to Those with Some Knowledge

So you’re in a difficult situation. It probably feels quite unique. It ain’t. No matter how hard it is I can guarantee you someone has gone through it years before you…and there will be others who will do some in the future too. Amongst them will be the ones who have done well and others who haven’t. Learn from the mistakes of those who have come before and listen to those who have hung around to help others. If you use a solicitor, the same applies – after all, at £260 an hour it’s quite reasonable to assume they will help in some capacity.

The same goes if you use your friendly local McKenzie Friend – namely, us. We’re pretty good at advising you if your chosen course of action is good or bad. We won’t hesitate to tell you if you’re shooting yourself in the foot. After all a good friend tells you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

So that’s it. There will be another 5 of these handy commandments coming up as time progresses. But it ain’t rocket science guys. We’re on your side and if you choose to let us help you we’ve got your back. And like the original commandments it’s fair to say these are set in stone.

You’re not alone. Contact us to find out how we can help.

Here endeth the lesson.

Enforcement apps don’t work

Enforcement applications don’t work.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news and all. Because it’s a pretty grim statement isn’t it? Enforcement applications quite simply don’t work.

The ex won’t talk to you. They won’t respond to emails, texts, letters or anything else. They didn’t turn up to mediation. Or maybe they have – and they have advised you that you’ll never see your kids again and if you don’t like it you’ll have to go to court.

Which makes it nice and simple. Hey ho! It’s off to court you go.

You’ve paid your £215. You’ve possibly paid a solicitor. Or your friendly McKenzie Friend. You’ve taken the day off work, possibly driven a long distance to a hearing. Where you have convinced a court to make an order for contact. Something. Anything.

And then after all that the ex decides to break the order.

But that’s OK. Sorta. OK, OK, it’s another £155 but hey…the ex will get a rocket when you put that enforcement application in won’t he/she? Eh? Eh? Contact will resume, order will be restored and it’ll be all good.

Nope.

Statistically you have around a 1.5% chance of your enforcement application succeeding. For the non mathematicians among you that’s around a 1 in 66 chance. Chances are you’re going to be on of the 65. So sorry…

You’re stuck with an order that cost you £215. For that price you’d get around 200 rolls of Andrex and they’d be more absorbent than the 2-3 pieces of A4 you have.

Enforcement doesn’t work.

What more typically happens is that your application morphs (or is hijacked if you want to be uncharitable) into a variation by your ex. It’s a truth universally acknowledged by court staff. Here’s a list of what happens:

  1. You get a court order.
  2. The ex breaks it.
  3. You apply for enforcement.
  4. The ex says he/she broke the order because it wasn’t working.
  5. The court varies the order (quite often with a reduction of contact).

If I were a horrible cynic as opposed to the optimistic, philanthropic soul that I clearly am I’d say something like `Well – if you are a resident parent who is hostile to contact and don’t want to pay the fee yourself all you need do is break the order and then get a variation to reduce the level of contact closer to what it is you want (i.e. none)’.

But I won’t. Because that’d be monstrous wouldn’t it now?

So are we clear?

Enforcement applications don’t work so isn’t worth making them is it?

Nope. You absolutely should go for enforcement.

Whaaaa?’ I hear you say. `What’s the point. You’ve said that it’ll cost me money for an application that almost certainly won’t work and I’ll likely end up with an order that provides less contact than I had before haven’t you??? Make your mind up!’

It’s a fair point.

Enforcement applications are still worth making.

There are very good reasons why you should make an application for enforcement if the order is materially broken.

  1. If you have no or reduced contact you likely have nothing to lose (apart from the application fee, time, effort and stress of course). Your options are to suck it up or do something.
  2. If you do nothing you’ll likely be told down the line that you were obviously A-OK with it. Because if you weren’t you would have made an application wouldn’t you? The ex will be able to argue that it was an agreed change of arrangements because you’ve come to an amicable agreement.
  3. If you do so you’re making it clear you don’t agree with what has happened and you are building a narrative that court orders are broken. And that the existing arrangement needs changing. Possibly a change in residence because the current resident parent can’t be trusted to support contact?

In short it’s absolutely worth making an applications for enforcement. But do it in the knowledge that you’re doing it as part of a long term strategy to get the order that is in the best interests of your child. In the short term you’ve got to be prepared to keep banging your head against a brick wall or just giving up.

What’s it to be punk?