A good McKenzie Friend will have more ideas than just `Go to court'.

Questions to ask yourself before using a McKenzie Friend.

It won’t be a surprise to many reading this post that we recommend a Family Law Assistance McKenzie Friend to help you with your legal situation. Our work takes us up and down the country with people seeking our help in child contact disputes, big money finance disputes, dog custody battles and even once to visit a mortuary as part of a dispute in a will.

That last one in case you’re interested it didn’t happen – but our top McKenzie Friend Michaela Wade was game.

It's not all about the money money money when deciding whether to us a McKenzie FriendThe wrong first question is how much do you charge?

Our fees are considerably less than the alternative but we’d urge anyone who is using a McKenzie Friend solely or firstly with this question in mind to seriously consider if we’re the right people to help you. We’ll give you an estimate of what we charge for a hearing, for a piece of work, etc. but we aren’t fortune tellers – we can’t and won’t guarantee what will happen in your situation. We’ll tell you what we think is likely but there are no certainties.

If anyone does guarantee you anything in a case…run a mile from them.

Jerry Maguire was a McKenzie Friend: Help me, help you.

To be honest this applies to a McKenzie Friend, solicitor, or barrister. They can do a lot. But not everything. They can’t stop you sending that ill-advised email. Or not mention the criminal conviction that will be a big part of the case or the 17 Social Services interventions to us.

We’ve seen many a £400 pound an hour solicitor sit with their heads trying not to explode with frustration that all the work they have done (and all the money they’ve been paid – honestly!) is wasted because their own client is causing more problems than the opposition.

If this is you…go it alone. Seriously. Save your money.

A good McKenzie Friend will have more ideas than just `Go to court'.

Should you go to court?

Court should always be the last resort. Anyone who chooses to go to court when there is another option risks being painted as vexatious and/or ending up on the wrong end of a 91/14 barring order. And if you ask our advice we’ll consider this and tell you when it’s not a good idea and alternative potential solutions. It’ll save you a lot of time and money – for the sake of a half hour meeting with us we’ll be honest with you if a court case is likely to be the best way to achieve the result you seek.

Is a McKenzie Friend right for you?

Nine times out of ten we’d say `Yes’. Mostly because no one knows your case like you and likewise no one is motivated as much either.

If you’re one of ten we’ll tell you – recommending great solicitors and barristers we’ve worked with in the past and think will be a positive influence on your situation.

In our experience people are able to represent themselves, get a great result and best of all get a great night’s sleep for the first time too long because they now feel in charge of their own destiny.

The Jerry Springer-style wrap up…

It’s down to you. We can help but what you are responsible for your words and actions if you use us, a solicitor, a barrister or go alone. You’ll also be the one who lives with the consequences often for years afterwards. Think about what your goals are, think carefully about what will best help you achieve them and stick to the plan.

The Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar. Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides!

Represent yourself – the Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar

Represent yourself in court. Speak to some and there will be a sharp intake of breath and a suggestion that doing so is like doing DIY brain surgery or trying to launch yourself to the Moon in something you knocked up in the garden shed. Experts and our learn’d friends will counsel you not to do so and to seek the assistance of a professional.

The Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar. Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides!And yet plenty of people do it and do a good job too. This includes some of our team members. As well as our clients of course.

It isn’t impossible to represent yourself.

Neither does it have to be hard. It can be. Some cases can be tricky. Or the stakes are higher than some. Parental alienation. Leave to Remove. That sort of thing. That said…we help enough people to know that’s also more than possible.

It’s also a myth that people representing themselves do so as a `last chance saloon’ – that they can’t afford a solicitor or barrister so they have the tempting option of either doing it themselves or walking away from something they can’t walk away from. Many do so because they feel that no one knows their case like they do or cares as much and they’re right.

Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides

With this all in mind Michaela Wade will be posting a video each day – maybe a minute or so with the nuts and bolts on what to do, what not to do and how to do it when you are representing yourself.

She’s doing it from Facebook live from our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/familylawassistance. The first one starts on the 1st December – that’s this Sunday. Look forward to seeing you there!

Represent yourself with our help

Co parentingwithahostileex partnercanrequirepatience!

4 Top Tips if you’re co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner

Co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner?

Co-parenting with a hostile ex can seem impossible.`Really?‘ I hear you say? You’ve got an ex who will tell anyone who listens that you are like Vlad the Impaler – minus the sensitivity and kindness. That you like nothing better than spending your evenings twisting heads off kittens.

Easy for us to say, isn’t it?

But…it’s possible. It may feel it is possible in the same way winning the jackpot of the National Lottery is possible but it can be done.

It just takes a little more work. With no further ado here is Family Law Assistance‘s guide to 4 things you can do that will help:

1.) Rely on your ex as little as possible.

It’s worth remembering you are as much a parent to your child as your ex is. So act like it. If your child is in nappies buy them. With nappy bags, wipes, changing mats, etc. If they’re older make sure they have their own clothes (not just ones your ex bought) and everything else they’ll have at home (i.e. your place as well as your ex’s). If you have PR deal with your children’s school, doctor, whatever directly. Don’t use using phrases like `My ex didn’t tell me’. It is your job – not your ex’s.

2.) Remain child-focused at all times.

You may feel you are put in impossible situations, your kids losing out as a result. But it’s important to understand you cannot control your ex and that he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. Your duty is to your children.

If you feel you are put in a probably familiar `damned if you, damned if you don’t’ situation ask yourself `What is best for the kids here?’

Co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner can require patience!3.) Don’t rise to the bait.

Don’t get into arguments. If you feel your ex is attempting to provoke you  that makes you want to let them know exactly what you think…don’t.

You’d be shocked how long an ill-chosen reaction can be dragged up in conversation, legal documents and court hearings.

4.) Take the long view.

We won’t pretend it’s easy, fair or logical. But at some point all this will be old history. You probably won’t care. Your kids almost certainly won’t. Maybe your ex will…but your children won’t be subject to the Children Act 1989 and whatever they say or do will have no impact on you and you’ll have moved on to happier times.

Co-parenting is possible even with a hostile ex.

In conclusion it is possible. It is hard. But it is possible.

Money

Help us help you – and enter our £50 prize draw!

We’re running a prize draw. And to enter all you need to do is fill in the survey below.

Please note – you may have to open this survey in a new window on your device rather than just clicking the link if you’ve arrived here via Facebook!

In our experience the professionals who help people don’t often bother asking them what it is they need or what could be done to help them as much as possible. It’s too easy for the likes of us and our learn’d friends to sit here in our ivory towers (we wish) and tell people what we think they need to know rather than giving them the help they are asking for.

Enter our prize draw and you could win £50!Assisting people in the Family Courts is our passion. As well as our day job, it’s also what we do in our spare time. You’ll find us online giving support on various forums, attending meetings to help litigants and soon we’ll be running a free workshop for them too.

But we want to get it right and to cover as much usual stuff in as short a time as possible. What you really need to hear when you need to hear it.

And let’s be blunt here. We’re offering the prize as an incentive to get as much data as possible to provide the best free workshop we can.

Which is where you come in.

£50 to the winner of our prize draw!We want to make it as easy as possible for people to attend. To be as convenient as possible. As useful as possible. It’s fair to say we’re pretty results-driven here at Family Law Assistance!

So we’d like to ask – will you help with our survey below? If you want to remain anonymous, that’s fine…but if you want to be part of the draw for the prize we’re going to need some way of contacting you! We’re not interested in learning who everyone is – just what help litigants need.

We’ll be deleting all the individual data as soon as we have processed it – we have no need for it; we want to know what times, subjects, etc. suit the most people. We won’t be using the email address of anyone who chooses to submit it for anything other than getting in touch with whoever wins the prize draw either.

The draw for participants will take place at 5pm on Friday, 27th October 2017 and the prize is cash. Completed forms will be accepted after this date though if you want to help us. Please note this survey only applies to people in England & Wales; we know nothing of law in Scotland, Northern Ireland and places outside the UK so we aren’t able to help with workshops there. Yet.

And as for the workshop…watch this space. Like the Cylons, we have a plan but it needs work.

Finally – if you could share this post it’d be greatly appreciated. The more data we get, the better we can provide a great workshop!

Not obligatory but helpful if you wish to participate in the draw!
Again not obligatory but required if you wish to participate in the draw!
This will help us decide where the best place to run a workshop will take place.
This will help us decide where the best place to run a workshop will take place too.
Why not a solicitor or barrister? Why not go alone?
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Court itisseldomoveruntilyougiveup

How to defeat your worst enemy in court

It is easy to defeat your worst enemy in court.

They are the one person who can make you give up. They’ll make you look like an idiot. They’ll second guess you and make you look like a fool. Finally they will completely blow any chance of getting anything like the result you would like.

You already know who this person is. Because you see them every time you look in a mirror. Yes folks…it’s you.

You are your own worst enemy in court

Court - it is seldom over until you give upI don’t want to come over all…metaphysical here. You are responsible for your actions. No one else. Yes, yes, yes. I can hear the protests now. You’re discriminated against. Your ex has made allegations that make you look like Vlad the Impaler’s less pleasant brother or sister. The court is a huge money-making conspiracy out to grind you into the dirt. I’m blaming you for the situation you are in. You were left with no option.

Not true.

You decide what to say. You decide what to do. You decide to give up. Or not. No one else. This is stunningly good news. It means you are are in far more control than you ever, ever managed.

It means you are in control ultimately.

If you decide to walk away it’s because you have chosen to. The same goes if you have given your ex, the CAFCASS officer, the judge or the security guard who scans you for metal objects your considered opinion. A 91(14) doesn’t have to stop you. Neither does a final order. Or bad behaviour in the past – if you have addressed it.

If you ex has painted you as an aggressive nutter and you kick off in court you have proven their point. If you walk away and you think that is what the ex wants, they have `won’ (at this point the more high-minded among you will put your hands together in supplication, gaze heavenward and utter softly that it is not about winning or losing…it’s about the kids. You know what I mean).

The court won’t say `He/she walked away because he/she had no choice’. It won’t even give the matter any consideration. It will close the case, probably give your ex everything they want or decide you were happy with things as they are.

So if you aren’t happy with it why are you walking away?

Walk away from court and guarantee your failure.

Court - where there is life, there is hopeWe know how hard it is. Even if you take the attitude you have a 99% of chance of not getting the outcome you want you have a 100% chance of the same outcome by giving up.

But back to the positivity for a change.

There’s a wider point here isn’t there? You’re doing what you’re doing because you believe it is in the best interests of your children. And that being the case walking away most definitely isn’t.

Maybe when it is all over you won’t get the result you set out. Maybe you’ll get one you can live with, maybe you’ll get one you can’t, maybe you’ll get one that will keep you up for nights in years to come.

But if you don’t give up, you’ll be able to look yourself in the eye in that mirror and be able to say to yourself (and anyone else who will listen) `I did my best and I didn’t give up. I did what I did for the best reasons’.

No one can give that to you or take it from you can they?

LGBT parents – the basics

With the increasing openness when it comes to the existence of LGBT people there’s a corresponding increase in the visibility of them in all walks of life – including as parents. Unsurprisingly enough (for some of us at least) lesbian, gay, bi and trans people do have kids.

Some of them are conceived, born and are raised in families in the *ahem* old-fashioned way, others in a more circuitous manner. It’s not an unreasonable believe to think that a non-traditional family faces it’s own unique challenges and in many respects it’s a correct one.

In terms of the law however there isn’t a great deal of difference between straight and/or cis people and everyone else when it comes to the matters concerning contact, residence (OK, OK `who the child lives with’) and everything else the Family Court is concerned with.

There are a few basic thoughts to consider here.

PR is important to LGBT people

Parental Responsibility is the key here. In short that means a) being on the birth certificate or b) having an order awarding you PR. Without it, you are at a serious disadvantage.

If you’re adopting a child, it’s something that should be taken care of. If you’re conceiving artificially, make sure you are on the birth certificate – or that the birth parent signs a C(PRA001) form to give it to you.

Rainbow flagThe nuclear scenario? You split from your partner and you don’t have PR. Your ex refuses contact and when you apply to the courts you’ll be filling in the standard form for contact (a C100) but you’ll also be needing a C2 (permission to apply) because you have no legal relationship with your child. And when you get there your ex will deny contact, deny you had much involvement with your own child and in the meantime is free to change their name, give PR to whoever they like and move to the other side of the planet if they so wish without you being able to stop them.

So get PR.

The T in LGBT

When it comes to trans parents they may well already have PR – particularly if the child was conceived/born before transitioning. It’s a sad fact to say that many of our trans clients coming out/transitioning has been at least a factor in the breakdown of their relationship with their ex’s. And often a source of hostility when it comes to children having an ongoing relationship.

Yet children are usually completely unfazed by this because Mum is still Mum and Dad is still Dad.

Furthermore in our experience the court is usually completely indifferent to a client’s status as transgender and wholly uninterested in parents seeking to use this fact to limit a child’s relationship with either parent. It is possible it will likely be an aspect discussed in any welfare report (such as a CAFCASS Section 7 Report) but will often carrying little weight overall.

But that’s no different to any other case where a child’s welfare is examined.

TL:DR

If you don’t have PR, get it. Whether you are still with your partner or they are now your ex. You are putting yourself at a serious disadvantage without it.

Why you should be abusive to your ex’s solicitor.

Solicitors are evil. They make a fortune out of other peoples’ misery. They benefit massively from the breakdown of families, charge sky high fees to repeat the ex’s lies and they’ll do whatever they can to make sure you never see your kids again. They’ll patronise you in court, do their best to make you look like the abusive, alcoholic child-assaulting moron you obviously are…and suggest you should pay their fees.

Right?

Let me tell you something. You’re not going to believe me here. I may even get a few angry responses from people telling me I don’t know what I am talking about, about how I am making light of the awful situation people find themselves in and how I am just as bad as one of…them.

I’ve clearly gone native here haven’t I?

Woman

Let me tell you something shocking, unbelievable and stunning. They’re human beings. There aren’t that many truly evil people in the world and the same goes for your ex’s legal representative. When they push open the coffin lid in the morning  (joke…) their first thought isn’t `How can mess up my clients’ ex’s day? Maybe I’ll wind him/her up in court. Maybe I’ll write a nasty letter. May I’ll just tell the ex to withhold contact’.

Doesn’t work like that guys. I haven’t ask a solicitor what the first thing that pops into their head is but I am guessing it is something like I need a coffee’ or `If I don’t get a move on I’m going to be late for work and the boss is going to give me an earache for it’.

You know…the same as you or me.

So the ex’s solicitor has never met you. The only stuff they have ever heard about you is from the ex who they’re paying £260 an hour at least. They’re going to nod, smile, sympathise. They’ll hear about the arguments you’ve had. Or didn’t have. They’ll hear about that act of domestic abuse you committed. Or didn’t. They’ll listen carefully about your poor childcare practices which means you shouldn’t spend time with your kids.

Does this mean they believe every word?

Sort of. They kind of have to believe they are being told the truth otherwise it’s going to be hard for them to do their job (`Yes Mr Smith…I know you told me your ex threw that TV at you but I can’t take your word for it and I certainly won’t be mentioning it to the judge at the hearing tomorrow‘). See what I mean? Why would anyone use a solicitor if their honestly was called into question at every point? Would you?

Pro-tip: If you have a solicitor (or a McKenzie Friend) don’t lie or forget important details? It makes things that much more difficult to help you. Besides, we’ve heard it all before.

Solicitors represent their clients. Think about that.

If the ex’s solicitor is saying you did something…that’s because your ex mentioned it to them and they feel it’s appropriate to the case. If they say `no contact’ it’s because your ex wants no contact. If they say `we want a non mol’ that’s because the ex has either said he/she wants a non mol or they’ve said you’ve done stuff that warrants one.

Solicitors act on instruction and don’t make things up…but if they do they can be in awful lot of trouble. It does happen. I’ve seen it.

So when the ex’s solicitor, having heard about what a terrible person you are from your ex meets you, or receives a phone call, letter or email from you and you metaphorically give them both barrels do you know what will happen?

At best nothing at all.

At worst it’ll be filed and used against you at the appropriate juncture where quite possibly said solicitor will cross examine you after getting you to read out your honest and considered opinion you have sent to them to `have your say’. It’ll also probably confirm the picture the ex has carefully painted of you. It’s something special to hear a procession of 4-letter words read out dispassionately in a court room.

Is your ex telling lies about you? Prove them wrong by being the calm, rational and good person you are. You can’t control what the ex does or says. You absolutely can control what YOU do and say.

Solicitors will often spend a considerable amount of time arm-twisting their own clients into agreements if it looks like not agreeing anything is going to make things worse for their clients. Especially if you are Mr/Mrs Cool, Calm and Collected and there is nothing that proves you are a nasty piece of work (such as angry correspondence sent to them)…and even if it doesn’t sway them they it’ll be one less thing to be used against you in court. Thing is – a lot of solicitors don’t actually like being in court. It’s a lot nicer sitting at your desk doing paperwork and the coffee is a lot nicer (I imagine…I’ve only been in a few solicitors’ offices – although that is because court coffee is about as bad as it comes). They’d rather get an agreement.

I’ve heard solicitors (and barristers) shouting at their clients…and worked with many of them who have done a lot of work to get an agreement. I’ve chatted to a few and they’ve told me the whole court thing puts them off having kids and a family. I’ve seen some of them genuinely upset at the stuff they see and hear. I’ve also know a few to give the whole thing up because it is so distressing.

I’m not here to tell you how wonderful solicitors are. They’re human which means they are just as likely to be nice or nasty as anyone else you’ll meet but they’re not out to get you. When you speak to them, understand it’s a job for them.

As the old saying goes `You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’ – on balance it’s more likely to help you if you are polite, friendly and civil.

Because you’ll do anything for your kids won’t you? Including being nice to someone you don’t feel nice towards, right? No?

4 of the biggest myths in the Family Court

As sure as night follows day, the same misunderstandings about how the Family Courts work will be stated, restated, restated again and for good measure retweeted/shared/argued about.

Disregard this sort of thing and you’re not going to help yourself.

The sad thing is that many of them make things harder for people going through the whole process. It makes them do things that don’t help anyone (including their kids) or themselves, pitches them into conflicts that quite frankly aren’t worth happening and generally case trouble. Even if you know these but if the other party doesn’t it will often lead them to act in a way that seems irrational and counterproductive.

There are far more than 4 myths that do this (and I would put money on the fact I’ll be adding more of them as time progresses) but here are some of the `best’.

So here goes…

No.1 – If you have a residence order you can phone the police to get the kids back if your ex refuses to return them.

No. It. Won’t. Phone your local station and say this. Try it. Forget for a moment that this sort of dispute and the police only deal with criminal matters – not civil ones (bit of a spoiler really…).

You: Hello police? I’ve got a residence order and my ex won’t give me the kids back! Can you go round there and take them off him/her?

PC999: Do you have any welfare concerns?

You: Not really, it’s just that I’m the resident parent and he/she is breaking a court order! They should be with me! I’m the main parent!

PolicePC999: OK…not much we can do I am afraid. You need to speak to your solicitor to take the matter back to court. Tell you what…we’ll go round there and advise him/her to hand them over and do a welfare check but that’s all we can do really.

That’s if the police follow the rules, mind. I do know of a couple of cases where officers have removed children without an Emergency Protection Order or without sufficient welfare concerns….and they have found themselves having a very serious chat with the Inspector about how removing kids from parents with PR without good reason tends to go down very badly.

So the moral of this story kids? Don’t think a residence order will stop your ex taking the kids.

No. 2 – An enforcement application will get your ex to abide with an order.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here – because going back to court is kind of the only option you have if your ex decides he/she is going to ignore the damn thing. Statistically you have less than a 1 in 50 chance of an enforcement application succeeding.

What normally happens is you will make an enforcement application…and your ex will  justify breaking the order by saying it isn’t working. What he/she should do of course is talk to you about agreeing a change to arrangements or making his/her own application for a variation. But seeing as that’d cost him/her £215 it’s much chearper and easier just to say I’m changing things. If you don’t like it – tough’ compelling the non resident parent to either say a) `Yes OK’ or b) Filling in the c79 and paying the fee himself/herself.

Followed by your ex seeking to hijack your application and turning it into a variation matter. This happens in a depressingly high number of situations this is what happens. Should you decide to apply for a penal notice don’t think one will be ordered either. You are more likely to be accused of trying to punish your ex.

No. 3 – If you get married your new partner automatically gets PR.

Nope nope nope. Doesn’t work like that. A stepparent has no legal relationship with a stepchild. None at all. If they want PR they’ll either have to get the agreement of everyone who has PR already. Or a court order.

That’s it.

No. 4 – When it comes to financial matters in divorce you get out what you put in.

Again…no. Not true. Consider the following assets and liabilities:

  • The large family estate consisting of a portfolio of properties in the UK that William the Conqueror gave to a distant ancestor of yours.
  • An eye watering credit card bill incurred by your ex as a result of the luxury cruise he/she had to take to get over your separation, comforted only by the new partner he/she left you for.
  • The money earned by your business that you’ve slaved for while your ex has sat on velvet cushions and ate chocolates.

Mansion BuildingIt doesn’t matter where the money came from. Or where it went. Or who earned it. Or who spent it. All assets and liabilities go into the marital `pot’ and are divided up according to need. Remember though – money follows the children. Their needs come first.

It’s also worth remembering that as we’re talking about the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (and not the Children Act 1989) behaviour isn’t a factor in most cases. So attempting to tarnish your ex’s character seldom makes any difference.

Take the time to learn the basics here. It’ll likely save you a lot of heartache and also give you some perspective on your own situation.

Appeals: A second bite of the cherry?

What can you do when a hearing hasn’t gone your way? And you can’t live with the result? It’s easy to think an appeal is the best way to try for a different outcome.

After all…you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, right?

CherryThing is – that’s not what appeals are for. They’re not a second bite of the cherry; they’re not a legal way of saying to the man or lady behind the big desk `Oh, go on sir/madam – change your mind for me!’ Appeals are quite rightly difficult. Otherwise everyone would be doing them wouldn’t they?

An appeal isn’t about asking the court to re-run the previous hearing, be it for contact, residence, adoption or anything else. Go to an appeal hearing and ask the court to change the contact pattern, reverse the adoption order, etc. and you’ll be met by a blank stare. You’re there to convince the court it has made an error in law – nothing else.

If you manage to do that you’ll get your chance to do that at a subsequent hearing.

It’s important to know this. Because without a game plan all you’re going to do is waste money, paper and a few ink cartridges on something that isn’t going to get out of the traps.

Your first thought should be when considering an appeal is Has the court made an error in law?’ and not `Can I persuade the court to come up with a different decision?’ You are going to need to fill in the right form (an N161), pay the right fee, get a bundle  (with the right documents) to the right court and do all of this within 21 days of the order (although this can be extended in certain circumstances).

You will need to be clear about what your grounds of appeal are.

If you don’t know what the above means and you still want to appeal that should ring an alarm bell in your head and you should seriously consider not bothering.

Appeals are deliberately difficult. Your one can be dismissed at the first hurdle. Or heard in court…and then dismissed. Or heard in court and the court decides that while your argument has merit the court would have made the same decision…and then dismissed. Either way the whole process is very slow. Even by court standards.

In many cases it quite honestly isn’t worth bothering.

But don’t let this bring you down. Depending on what is you’re seeking to achieve in the long run (as always think of the big picture)  it may well be worth trying a different tack. A fresh application for more contact. An application for a variation or enforcement. A different take on things if your case is still open.

Don’t appeal just because you don’t like the decision. You could be making more work and problems than you already have.

When you should ask for 50/50 shared custody

I can answer this in one word.

Never.

I can categorically state this is the case for a few reasons. They being:

  1. There’s no such things as `custody’. It’s a term that hasn’t had legal meaning since Milli Vanilli were in the charts; if you’re too young to have heard of them that should tell you something.
  2. You’re probably confusing the rights and responsibilities conferred by PR (Parental Responsibility) with where the kid in question spends his or her time.
  3. You may as well tell the court/CAFCASS/social worker/the ex’s solicitor `It’s my right! I’ve got a legal right!‘ Try THAT and see what reaction you’ll get (hint: It’ll probably be one you don’t much like).
  4. Because there is more than one way to skin a cat.

ColorGuys…this is a HUGE red flag. As well as being seen to shout the odds about your rights you’re also demonstrating said rights are more important than the kids (dividing them up like the furniture or the CD collection as the old phrase goes), that you don’t know what you’re actually asking for and that you know nothing about the actual process.

Go ahead, all guns blazing and there is a good chance you’ll be asked all about it when that nice barrister is trying to convince the court that the judge shouldn’t make an order for that by asking you questions that’ll make you look nasty, selfish, stupid or hopefully (for him/her) all three. You’re making it easy for them (or me if I am helping your ex).

With this in mind the `take homes’ from this post are simple:

  1. Learn the terminology. It’s not about custody’ these days. It’s not even about residence’. It’s about `Who the child lives with’. They are just about the same thing, true – but you want your message to be clear and not open to (wilful) misinterpretation.
  2. Understand division of time and PR are like chalk and cheese. Where a child spends his/her time has absolutely nothing to do with rights and responsibilities under PR.
  3. Prove what you want is in the best interests of the child. The most common thing parents say when asked why this is the case is `Because it will show the kids both parents are equal’. The court won’t accept this. Don’t waste your time saying it. Seriously.
  4. Be patient. If this is your ultimate goal understand that it will take time – especially if there is no contact at all now.

I’m not saying I don’t think shared parenting is a good idea. Quite the opposite. But if this is going to be happen, avoid the obvious pitfalls. There are enough of those without making basic mistakes.