Do you need a `Yes Man’ to help you in your case?

Yes!

Do you need to be validated?

It’s amazing how many people want to convince us that they’re right. We’re…no one. What we thinks doesn’t matter. We can’t make orders in the family court and give you what you want.

Our job could be really easy. We’ll invoice you, agree with you and if/when it goes wrong we’ll have a cup of coffee with you afterwards – telling you that you’ve been stitched up, that the courts are corrupt and that it’s a travesty of justice.

Shooting the messenger

We’re gluttons for punishment though. We’ll tell you that email wasn’t a good idea. We’ll tell you that what you want looks more like a way to stick it to the ex than be child-focused. We’ll tell you that if you keep this up you really need to think about firing us, saving your cash and doing what you were going to do in this first place.

Perhaps…perhaps you’ll listen to us. Perhaps you won’t – and instead you’ll conclude we’re just as bad as the court, your previous solicitor/McKenzie Friend, the social worker, CAFCASS, the psychologist, the school and everyone else…because we’re saying exactly the same thing as them.

Perhaps you’ll decide it’s our fault, fire us and instead to use that nice lady who will speak softly, make you a nice cup of tea and tell you how difficult it is. After all…you’re not paying someone to say stuff that you don’t like are you?

Crystal ballInconvenient truths or comforting lies?

Your solicitor or McKenzie Friend should do a little more than say stuff that gives you the warm fuzzies. That doesn’t mean they should be bullet-headed masochists who want to kick you when you’re down…but they should be able to tell you when you’re in the process of spectacularly screwing your own case up.

Sometimes you’re going to be right. Sometimes…not so much. You really need someone to tell you that. And you need to listen to that. Ever heard of the legend of Cassandra? The prophetess who was cursed to forever know exactly what was going to happen including awful disasters…but doomed to be ignored.

It’s scarily similar to how we feel at times.

A good advert

We want you to do well – let’s be honest…it doesn’t look good on us if too many of our clients got awful outcomes, would it? So we’re going to advise you what is most likely to achieve your goals.

Court is hard enough as it is – we don’t want to fight you too. We want all the energy we have to work together, to get the result that is right and to make it as easy as possible.

As always…it’s down to you.

What do to when the ex won’t hand the children over

As with many questions relating to family law this is another subject surrounded by myths. Swallow these myths uncritically and you could seriously damage your case.

So it’s important to know what your options are and know the truth.

Calling the police won’t help – even if you have a residence order

It seems to be the reason that many parents actively seek a residence order (or more correctly these days an order that says the children lives with them) – because they think they can ring 999 and a car with blue flashing lights will race to the children and return them.

Pro-tip: They won’t.

At the most the police will visit where your children are and do a welfare check. That said there are two ways the police CAN remove children…

  1. The first is an Emergency Protection Order (a s34 order – under the Family Law Act). Note: You’re unlikely to get one of these just because your ex has retained the children. Making an application of this type without good reason is a spectacularly bad idea – and your ex hanging onto the children isn’t one of them.
  2. The police have `reasonable cause to believe that a child would otherwise be likely to suffer significant harm’ (under Section 24 of the Children Act). Again…phoning the police and hoping they return them to you won’t meet this criteria. And again it’ll likely cause more problems that it will solve. The police will most likely tell you that the most they can do and you need to speak to your solicitor and/or should consider an application to the courts.

This is because where children spend their time is a civil matter – and outside the remit of the police.

It’s worth noting that having a residence order means nothing when it comes to the above. We’re constantly surprised by the number of people who seem to think this is the case however and it seems to be a BIG motivation for many people applying for residence (or that the children `live with them’ as orders have it these days). We’re not sure why so many people seem to want a residence order but we have our suspicions

So what to do?

Well…if it’s a weekend and the courts are shut…not a lot. Like many other situations faced by this in the family court arena the answer is `It depends’. Factors include (but are not limited to):

  • It having happened before and is an established pattern.
  • You’ve been told that the children won’t be permitted to see you without an order.
  • There is a good/genuine reason for this happening.
  • What has happened before.

Your potential responses include:

  • Doing nothing.
  • Sending a letter/email saying you are disappointed the children have been denied time, etc.
  • Making an application to the court for enforcement.

The moral of this story…

…is…it depends’. The hard part isn’t knowing the law (although it helps), it isn’t knowing what your rights are. It’s about judging what is going to help you achieve your goals and what isn’t. Losing a `battle’ isn’t losing the war.

Keep your eyes on the ball and don’t get distracted.

What your ex partner thinks about you: Does it matter?

Does your ex partner control you by the power of their mind?

Does your ex partner control you by the power of their mind?

It’s not that surprising that many people worry about what their ex partner thinks of them. Some of the things they worry about includes:

  • Whether he/she thinks they are a good parent.
  • Whether he/she values them as a good parent.
  • Whether he/she sees them as an equal parent.
  • What he/she will think about various aspects of the child’s life. Food. Activities. Who they interact with.

There’s something worth remembering about this.

What the ex thinks doesn’t matter. What they do (if it affects your child and/or their relationship with you) does.

Your ex can think what they like

It doesn’t matter what they think. No…stay with me here.

They can think you’re a truly terrible person. To the right of Attila the Hun. Someone who spends his/her spare time twisting the heads off fluffy kittens or got a birthmark in your hair that looks like the number 666.

What they do on the other hand does…that’s a horse of a different colour as Michaela Wade is fond of saying.

And yet…many people give waaaaay too much airtime to what their ex thinks of them. It enrages or saddens them. Or makes them give up. Or make a decision about based purely on something that shouldn’t matter.

Even worse than worrying about what your ex partner thinks is trying to guess what they think...

Even worse than worrying about what your ex partner thinks is trying to guess what they think…

Mind reading

To compound matters – in many high conflict situations communication is limited too, absent or strained. This seldom helps. You. Your ex. Most of all your child. And what doesn’t help either is the interpretation people will do to try to understand what an ex partner thinks or means.

You’re suspicious. Upset. Hyper aware of the situation.

And now…not only are you worrying about what the ex partner thinks…you’ve decided what they’re thinking.

Despite all this, it’s actually good news.

You don’t need to care what your ex partner thinks

This is spectacularly good news for you. What your ex thinks doesn’t matter. What does matter is what they do. You have options if your ex acts against the best interests of your child. But you don’t have a crystal ball. You’re not a mind reader. You’re not able to control what your ex.

But you do have the power to control the way you think. And what you do.

You’ve got this.

If not…would you like to learn how?

Live, Thrive and Survive in the Family Courts

The Family Courts: Whether you go to a hearing alone, use a Family Law Assistance McKenzie Friend or a solicitor or barrister being a litigant in the family court can be hard. That’s not surprising – because what happens will likely affect your life in a material way.

It’ll be about whether your children live with you or see you. Whether you stay in your home – or have enough money to buy somewhere else. Dealing with the fall out of the end of a marriage or relationship. For many people it’s all of these things, at the same time.

You’re likely tired, wounded, stressed and unable to see a future you’ll enjoy.

You need to be clear about what you want, how to ask for it and how to make sure you are resilient, focused and determined to ensure the outcome you desire has the greatest chance of success. And how to deal with the aftermath so the past remains in the past and you move forward to a happier and more prosperous future.

A fresh start

Which is where our workshop comes in. Between us we have around 30 years of legal experience But over the years we’ve also given strategies to hundreds of people to allow them to deal with their situation by reframing the challenges they face, by focusing on their goals and by showing them to deal with the challenges they face.

And this side of our work has provided a lot of help – many of our clients saying things like `I’m able to sleep for the first time in months!’

So after much work (and training to further enhance our skills in this area) we’re now ready to offer these skills to anyone facing a court case.

Join us!

Michaela and Steven Wade - McKenzie Friends working in the Family CourtsOn Saturday, 13th October 2018 we’ll be running our workshop in Newport, South Wales. Our special Early Bird price is just £79 and £99 after they’re gone. And when they’re gone, they’re gone!

Among others we’ll be covering:

Tickets are on sale now here.

See you there!

A good McKenzie Friend will have more ideas than just `Go to court'.

Questions to ask yourself before using a McKenzie Friend.

It won’t be a surprise to many reading this post that we recommend a Family Law Assistance McKenzie Friend to help you with your legal situation. Our work takes us up and down the country with people seeking our help in child contact disputes, big money finance disputes, dog custody battles and even once to visit a mortuary as part of a dispute in a will.

That last one in case you’re interested it didn’t happen – but our top McKenzie Friend Michaela Wade was game.

It's not all about the money money money when deciding whether to us a McKenzie FriendThe wrong first question is how much do you charge?

Our fees are considerably less than the alternative but we’d urge anyone who is using a McKenzie Friend solely or firstly with this question in mind to seriously consider if we’re the right people to help you. We’ll give you an estimate of what we charge for a hearing, for a piece of work, etc. but we aren’t fortune tellers – we can’t and won’t guarantee what will happen in your situation. We’ll tell you what we think is likely but there are no certainties.

If anyone does guarantee you anything in a case…run a mile from them.

Jerry Maguire was a McKenzie Friend: Help me, help you.

To be honest this applies to a McKenzie Friend, solicitor, or barrister. They can do a lot. But not everything. They can’t stop you sending that ill-advised email. Or not mention the criminal conviction that will be a big part of the case or the 17 Social Services interventions to us.

We’ve seen many a £400 pound an hour solicitor sit with their heads trying not to explode with frustration that all the work they have done (and all the money they’ve been paid – honestly!) is wasted because their own client is causing more problems than the opposition.

If this is you…go it alone. Seriously. Save your money.

A good McKenzie Friend will have more ideas than just `Go to court'.

Should you go to court?

Court should always be the last resort. Anyone who chooses to go to court when there is another option risks being painted as vexatious and/or ending up on the wrong end of a 91/14 barring order. And if you ask our advice we’ll consider this and tell you when it’s not a good idea and alternative potential solutions. It’ll save you a lot of time and money – for the sake of a half hour meeting with us we’ll be honest with you if a court case is likely to be the best way to achieve the result you seek.

Is a McKenzie Friend right for you?

Nine times out of ten we’d say `Yes’. Mostly because no one knows your case like you and likewise no one is motivated as much either.

If you’re one of ten we’ll tell you – recommending great solicitors and barristers we’ve worked with in the past and think will be a positive influence on your situation.

In our experience people are able to represent themselves, get a great result and best of all get a great night’s sleep for the first time too long because they now feel in charge of their own destiny.

The Jerry Springer-style wrap up…

It’s down to you. We can help but what you are responsible for your words and actions if you use us, a solicitor, a barrister or go alone. You’ll also be the one who lives with the consequences often for years afterwards. Think about what your goals are, think carefully about what will best help you achieve them and stick to the plan.

The Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar. Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides!

Represent yourself – the Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar

Represent yourself in court. Speak to some and there will be a sharp intake of breath and a suggestion that doing so is like doing DIY brain surgery or trying to launch yourself to the Moon in something you knocked up in the garden shed. Experts and our learn’d friends will counsel you not to do so and to seek the assistance of a professional.

The Family Law Assistance Advent Calendar. Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides!And yet plenty of people do it and do a good job too. This includes some of our team members. As well as our clients of course.

It isn’t impossible to represent yourself.

Neither does it have to be hard. It can be. Some cases can be tricky. Or the stakes are higher than some. Parental alienation. Leave to Remove. That sort of thing. That said…we help enough people to know that’s also more than possible.

It’s also a myth that people representing themselves do so as a `last chance saloon’ – that they can’t afford a solicitor or barrister so they have the tempting option of either doing it themselves or walking away from something they can’t walk away from. Many do so because they feel that no one knows their case like they do or cares as much and they’re right.

Learn how to represent yourself with our video guides

With this all in mind Michaela Wade will be posting a video each day – maybe a minute or so with the nuts and bolts on what to do, what not to do and how to do it when you are representing yourself.

She’s doing it from Facebook live from our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/familylawassistance. The first one starts on the 1st December – that’s this Sunday. Look forward to seeing you there!

Represent yourself with our help

Co parentingwithahostileex partnercanrequirepatience!

4 Top Tips if you’re co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner

Co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner?

Co-parenting with a hostile ex can seem impossible.`Really?‘ I hear you say? You’ve got an ex who will tell anyone who listens that you are like Vlad the Impaler – minus the sensitivity and kindness. That you like nothing better than spending your evenings twisting heads off kittens.

Easy for us to say, isn’t it?

But…it’s possible. It may feel it is possible in the same way winning the jackpot of the National Lottery is possible but it can be done.

It just takes a little more work. With no further ado here is Family Law Assistance‘s guide to 4 things you can do that will help:

1.) Rely on your ex as little as possible.

It’s worth remembering you are as much a parent to your child as your ex is. So act like it. If your child is in nappies buy them. With nappy bags, wipes, changing mats, etc. If they’re older make sure they have their own clothes (not just ones your ex bought) and everything else they’ll have at home (i.e. your place as well as your ex’s). If you have PR deal with your children’s school, doctor, whatever directly. Don’t use using phrases like `My ex didn’t tell me’. It is your job – not your ex’s.

2.) Remain child-focused at all times.

You may feel you are put in impossible situations, your kids losing out as a result. But it’s important to understand you cannot control your ex and that he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. Your duty is to your children.

If you feel you are put in a probably familiar `damned if you, damned if you don’t’ situation ask yourself `What is best for the kids here?’

Co-parenting with a hostile ex-partner can require patience!3.) Don’t rise to the bait.

Don’t get into arguments. If you feel your ex is attempting to provoke you  that makes you want to let them know exactly what you think…don’t.

You’d be shocked how long an ill-chosen reaction can be dragged up in conversation, legal documents and court hearings.

4.) Take the long view.

We won’t pretend it’s easy, fair or logical. But at some point all this will be old history. You probably won’t care. Your kids almost certainly won’t. Maybe your ex will…but your children won’t be subject to the Children Act 1989 and whatever they say or do will have no impact on you and you’ll have moved on to happier times.

Co-parenting is possible even with a hostile ex.

In conclusion it is possible. It is hard. But it is possible.

Money

Help us help you – and enter our £50 prize draw!

We’re running a prize draw. And to enter all you need to do is fill in the survey below.

Please note – you may have to open this survey in a new window on your device rather than just clicking the link if you’ve arrived here via Facebook!

In our experience the professionals who help people don’t often bother asking them what it is they need or what could be done to help them as much as possible. It’s too easy for the likes of us and our learn’d friends to sit here in our ivory towers (we wish) and tell people what we think they need to know rather than giving them the help they are asking for.

Enter our prize draw and you could win £50!Assisting people in the Family Courts is our passion. As well as our day job, it’s also what we do in our spare time. You’ll find us online giving support on various forums, attending meetings to help litigants and soon we’ll be running a free workshop for them too.

But we want to get it right and to cover as much usual stuff in as short a time as possible. What you really need to hear when you need to hear it.

And let’s be blunt here. We’re offering the prize as an incentive to get as much data as possible to provide the best free workshop we can.

Which is where you come in.

£50 to the winner of our prize draw!We want to make it as easy as possible for people to attend. To be as convenient as possible. As useful as possible. It’s fair to say we’re pretty results-driven here at Family Law Assistance!

So we’d like to ask – will you help with our survey below? If you want to remain anonymous, that’s fine…but if you want to be part of the draw for the prize we’re going to need some way of contacting you! We’re not interested in learning who everyone is – just what help litigants need.

We’ll be deleting all the individual data as soon as we have processed it – we have no need for it; we want to know what times, subjects, etc. suit the most people. We won’t be using the email address of anyone who chooses to submit it for anything other than getting in touch with whoever wins the prize draw either.

The draw for participants will take place at 5pm on Friday, 27th October 2017 and the prize is cash. Completed forms will be accepted after this date though if you want to help us. Please note this survey only applies to people in England & Wales; we know nothing of law in Scotland, Northern Ireland and places outside the UK so we aren’t able to help with workshops there. Yet.

And as for the workshop…watch this space. Like the Cylons, we have a plan but it needs work.

Finally – if you could share this post it’d be greatly appreciated. The more data we get, the better we can provide a great workshop!

Not obligatory but helpful if you wish to participate in the draw!
Again not obligatory but required if you wish to participate in the draw!
This will help us decide where the best place to run a workshop will take place.
This will help us decide where the best place to run a workshop will take place too.
Why not a solicitor or barrister? Why not go alone?
What advice would have helped your case most?
What is the second piece of advice that would have helped you in your case?
What is the third piece of advice that would have helped you in your case?
Court itisseldomoveruntilyougiveup

How to defeat your worst enemy in court

It is easy to defeat your worst enemy in court.

They are the one person who can make you give up. They’ll make you look like an idiot. They’ll second guess you and make you look like a fool. Finally they will completely blow any chance of getting anything like the result you would like.

You already know who this person is. Because you see them every time you look in a mirror. Yes folks…it’s you.

You are your own worst enemy in court

Court - it is seldom over until you give upI don’t want to come over all…metaphysical here. You are responsible for your actions. No one else. Yes, yes, yes. I can hear the protests now. You’re discriminated against. Your ex has made allegations that make you look like Vlad the Impaler’s less pleasant brother or sister. The court is a huge money-making conspiracy out to grind you into the dirt. I’m blaming you for the situation you are in. You were left with no option.

Not true.

You decide what to say. You decide what to do. You decide to give up. Or not. No one else. This is stunningly good news. It means you are are in far more control than you ever, ever managed.

It means you are in control ultimately.

If you decide to walk away it’s because you have chosen to. The same goes if you have given your ex, the CAFCASS officer, the judge or the security guard who scans you for metal objects your considered opinion. A 91(14) doesn’t have to stop you. Neither does a final order. Or bad behaviour in the past – if you have addressed it.

If you ex has painted you as an aggressive nutter and you kick off in court you have proven their point. If you walk away and you think that is what the ex wants, they have `won’ (at this point the more high-minded among you will put your hands together in supplication, gaze heavenward and utter softly that it is not about winning or losing…it’s about the kids. You know what I mean).

The court won’t say `He/she walked away because he/she had no choice’. It won’t even give the matter any consideration. It will close the case, probably give your ex everything they want or decide you were happy with things as they are.

So if you aren’t happy with it why are you walking away?

Walk away from court and guarantee your failure.

Court - where there is life, there is hopeWe know how hard it is. Even if you take the attitude you have a 99% of chance of not getting the outcome you want you have a 100% chance of the same outcome by giving up.

But back to the positivity for a change.

There’s a wider point here isn’t there? You’re doing what you’re doing because you believe it is in the best interests of your children. And that being the case walking away most definitely isn’t.

Maybe when it is all over you won’t get the result you set out. Maybe you’ll get one you can live with, maybe you’ll get one you can’t, maybe you’ll get one that will keep you up for nights in years to come.

But if you don’t give up, you’ll be able to look yourself in the eye in that mirror and be able to say to yourself (and anyone else who will listen) `I did my best and I didn’t give up. I did what I did for the best reasons’.

No one can give that to you or take it from you can they?

LGBT parents – the basics

With the increasing openness when it comes to the existence of LGBT people there’s a corresponding increase in the visibility of them in all walks of life – including as parents. Unsurprisingly enough (for some of us at least) lesbian, gay, bi and trans people do have kids.

Some of them are conceived, born and are raised in families in the *ahem* old-fashioned way, others in a more circuitous manner. It’s not an unreasonable believe to think that a non-traditional family faces it’s own unique challenges and in many respects it’s a correct one.

In terms of the law however there isn’t a great deal of difference between straight and/or cis people and everyone else when it comes to the matters concerning contact, residence (OK, OK `who the child lives with’) and everything else the Family Court is concerned with.

There are a few basic thoughts to consider here.

PR is important to LGBT people

Parental Responsibility is the key here. In short that means a) being on the birth certificate or b) having an order awarding you PR. Without it, you are at a serious disadvantage.

If you’re adopting a child, it’s something that should be taken care of. If you’re conceiving artificially, make sure you are on the birth certificate – or that the birth parent signs a C(PRA001) form to give it to you.

Rainbow flagThe nuclear scenario? You split from your partner and you don’t have PR. Your ex refuses contact and when you apply to the courts you’ll be filling in the standard form for contact (a C100) but you’ll also be needing a C2 (permission to apply) because you have no legal relationship with your child. And when you get there your ex will deny contact, deny you had much involvement with your own child and in the meantime is free to change their name, give PR to whoever they like and move to the other side of the planet if they so wish without you being able to stop them.

So get PR.

The T in LGBT

When it comes to trans parents they may well already have PR – particularly if the child was conceived/born before transitioning. It’s a sad fact to say that many of our trans clients coming out/transitioning has been at least a factor in the breakdown of their relationship with their ex’s. And often a source of hostility when it comes to children having an ongoing relationship.

Yet children are usually completely unfazed by this because Mum is still Mum and Dad is still Dad.

Furthermore in our experience the court is usually completely indifferent to a client’s status as transgender and wholly uninterested in parents seeking to use this fact to limit a child’s relationship with either parent. It is possible it will likely be an aspect discussed in any welfare report (such as a CAFCASS Section 7 Report) but will often carrying little weight overall.

But that’s no different to any other case where a child’s welfare is examined.

TL:DR

If you don’t have PR, get it. Whether you are still with your partner or they are now your ex. You are putting yourself at a serious disadvantage without it.