Checking Facebook and other things more important than your child contact case

Child contact or Facebook?Finding that lost dog in Arizona or contact with your children?

Contact with your children is the most important thing in the world to you. Not seeing them has caused you to fall into depression. Put you into debt. Ruined friends and relationships. Generally turned your world upside down.

And yet when it comes to doing something about it you do stuff that isn’t going to help. This includes (but isn’t limited to):

  • Going on holiday during a crucial part of your case.
  • Deciding to print your documents the morning of the hearing.
  • Not asking the boss for some time off to do stuff that needs doing because he may say no.
  • Turning up late.
  • Not looking after crucial documents .

Rabbit in the headlights?

Every action has a reason behind it. When people do this sort of thing it’s usually because they don’t want to go to the damn hearing or deal with the horrible paperwork. We don’t blame them for that. It’s a normal (and sane!) reaction when faced with something unpleasant. (It’s different for us. It’s our job and we stay neutral when you’re feeling under pressure).

But how would it be if dealing with these horrible jobs made you gain the feeling that you’ve seized control of the situation? That you’ve ticked something else off the list of things that need to happen to achieve your goals.

And this is something you can do that will help your situation with zero legal knowledge, help from people like us or anything like that. It’s free.

Things to do instead of working on your case?Catch-22

The above is easy to say but can be more challenging to do. But it is possible. Because it’s a mindset thing. And you’re in charge of your mind. Whether it is deciding to give the ex’s solicitor both barrels, telling the judge like it is or choosing to be happy when others wouldn’t be – it’s down to you.

The longer we’ve assisted people the more we’ve realised the more responsibility you take for yourself, the more power you have.

This post comes off the back of a conversation with a colleague who said how frustrated when people seemingly do things to damage their own situations. If the above applies to you…what can you do to make sure you’re making it that little bit easier?

Giving up is easy to do

Giving up - just the path of least resistanceLike water, people take the line of least resistance. In difficult situations they make choices. Granted,  these often seem to be of the `Hobson’s Choice‘ variety.

As water runs down hill, people do whatever it is to make there life as simple as possible.

But nevertheless…you make a choice. One way or another. Keep trying to stay in your child’s life. Or walk away. Do what is in the best interests of your child even though it causes you personal hardship. Or choose something else. Push for another hearing because it is likely a step closer to your goal. Or decide you’ve had enough and give up.

A different perspective

But how would it be if you could look at things in a different way? How would it be if the situation didn’t evoke the emotional response in you it did? How would it be if what you were facing were just another task to work on that you could go through calmly, clearly and knowing whatever happened you’d done `enough?

I can hear the howls from here. `It’s OK for you – you don’t know how it feels!!!’. `You say I have a choice – but I don’t!’. `It doesn’t matter what I do – no one will listen to me!’

How would it be if it didn’t matter what happened?

Read that sentence again…

I’m not saying it doesn’t matter. I’m asking you to imagine for a moment what it would feel like if it didn’t matter. Stop reading this, close your eyes and do that for a moment.

Able to do that? Yes?

You managed to feel OK for a moment? That’s because you can control your emotions. You can make yourself not worry about it. How about if you choose to feel like that all the time?

Yeah…I know. It’s all a bit hippy isn’t it? Next I’ll be opening up an online shop so you can buy joss sticks, Himalayan salt candles and download tracks of whale song. This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius…

Or maybe not.

It takes practice

If you could do that – how different would your life be? Would you sleep better at night? Would you care what your ex thought or said? Would you look after yourself more? Would you be in a better frame of mind when you worked on your case?

I think so.

In the 30-plus years between us that we’ve worked in civil litigation we’re shocked by how much attitude plays in the path of a situation compared to actual stuff like actual knowledge and use of the law in a court case. Because it isn’t just a court case…it’s your life.

All this can be done…if you are motivated enough. All this is just a tool you have and just need to use.

Our different view…

Which is why our top McKenzie Friend Michaela Wade is now a coach and hypnotherapist as well as using her amazing legal background and talent at helping people in court.

Because you’re key in this. You can make or break your own case – we can only offer advice. We want you to be clear, focused and on top of your game. And we can help.

It can be done. It’s up to you. We can help. But in the final analysis…it’s about what you want and how much work you’re willing to put into it.

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Want a free cheatsheet with some of these concepts? Click here!

Do you need a `Yes Man’ to help you in your case?

Yes!

Do you need to be validated?

It’s amazing how many people want to convince us that they’re right. We’re…no one. What we thinks doesn’t matter. We can’t make orders in the family court and give you what you want.

Our job could be really easy. We’ll invoice you, agree with you and if/when it goes wrong we’ll have a cup of coffee with you afterwards – telling you that you’ve been stitched up, that the courts are corrupt and that it’s a travesty of justice.

Shooting the messenger

We’re gluttons for punishment though. We’ll tell you that email wasn’t a good idea. We’ll tell you that what you want looks more like a way to stick it to the ex than be child-focused. We’ll tell you that if you keep this up you really need to think about firing us, saving your cash and doing what you were going to do in this first place.

Perhaps…perhaps you’ll listen to us. Perhaps you won’t – and instead you’ll conclude we’re just as bad as the court, your previous solicitor/McKenzie Friend, the social worker, CAFCASS, the psychologist, the school and everyone else…because we’re saying exactly the same thing as them.

Perhaps you’ll decide it’s our fault, fire us and instead to use that nice lady who will speak softly, make you a nice cup of tea and tell you how difficult it is. After all…you’re not paying someone to say stuff that you don’t like are you?

Crystal ballInconvenient truths or comforting lies?

Your solicitor or McKenzie Friend should do a little more than say stuff that gives you the warm fuzzies. That doesn’t mean they should be bullet-headed masochists who want to kick you when you’re down…but they should be able to tell you when you’re in the process of spectacularly screwing your own case up.

Sometimes you’re going to be right. Sometimes…not so much. You really need someone to tell you that. And you need to listen to that. Ever heard of the legend of Cassandra? The prophetess who was cursed to forever know exactly what was going to happen including awful disasters…but doomed to be ignored.

It’s scarily similar to how we feel at times.

A good advert

We want you to do well – let’s be honest…it doesn’t look good on us if too many of our clients got awful outcomes, would it? So we’re going to advise you what is most likely to achieve your goals.

Court is hard enough as it is – we don’t want to fight you too. We want all the energy we have to work together, to get the result that is right and to make it as easy as possible.

As always…it’s down to you.

Court cases and why it’s ALL your fault!

Not for those of a nervous disposition

We’re not going to apologise for saying stuff that you don’t want to hear. #sorrynotsorry

We’re going to be told we don’t understand how hard it is. How we’re kicking people when they’re down. Comments about how we’re meant to be helping people and not giving them a hard time. If we’re really lucky we may get a few nasty messages (it happens).

But what do you really want?

Tea and biscuits?

Tea and biscuits?

Someone who agrees with you, tells how awfully you’ve been treated and how biased the court system is…and then goes on to make an amazing cup of tea while offering you selection of nice biscuits?

That’s not to say there isn’t a place for somewhere to share experiences – consoled by the fact that others know how it feels and to swap war stories.

But there is more to it than that. Much more.

 

Are we just kicking you while you’re down?

You know that saying about a true friend being the one who tells you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear…? Someone who is ready to have that hard conversation with you because they value you enough as a person to want you to do well?

There are thousands of people who will tell you what you want to hear and a multitude of Facebook groups jam packed with people who write long post over long periods about how their situation never changes.

If we’re honest it’s why you won’t find us posting in any of the many Facebook groups that exist to support parents and others in the family courts. It’s easy to be drowned out by people posting convenient platitudes rather than the inconvenient truths you’ll hear from us.

We want to help people…who are clear and serious about achieving goals that can be achieved with the court system. We’ve got a vested interest in doing our utmost to those we help get the best result possible.

All your fault

And here we are at the final bit of this post. The Jerry Springer – style soundbite past the clickbaity headline is this:

The outcome in a court case is influenced greatly by you. For good or bad. Your behaviour and actions have more impact than you’d think if you’re a big fan of those Facebook groups dominated by that man or woman who tells you how awful it is, how they were skinned alive in their court hearing but forget to mention how they told the judge or a barrister he/she was a c**t in the final hearing – it happens – we’ve seen this.

The man or woman who was focused, considered and did what was needed…they’re not posting in that group. They’ve moved on and working on building a better life and not telling everyone about how you may as well give up.

And your reaction to this post will be telling too. Are you now thinking `Maybe I could do some things better?‘ or are you already formulating the response about why it is someone else’s fault?

Which is it to be?

How to lose friends and alienate people (in court)

Fallout Shelter sign

Mutually assured destruction – when destroying the other side is more important than your own survival

We often tell people that family law is more of an art than a science. There are few guarantees. Lots of variables. And a hefty dose of catching the right judge at the right time.

But there are a few sure fire ways to help or hinder your case.

Today. An object lesson in what to do if you really want to shoot yourself in the foot when you make an application.

Number one: Give up

The absolute best way, guaranteed to achieve nothing. Say the courts are biased, that they won’t enforce their own orders, listen to what your mates say and decide to save yourself the hassle. It doesn’t matter if these are all true.

But if you only do one thing to fail…this is it.

Number two: Talk about your case on social media

It’s a winner! You’ll give your ex ammunition to use against you (and his/her solicitor too), possibly give them a heads up against what your situation is and allow them to spend the entire hearing discussing this rather than stuff like contact. It’ll irritate the court too. It may even cause you to face contempt of court charges.

…but you at least you can say you had your say.

Number three: Label your ex as a narcissist or a parental alienator

You may be in court to discuss contact and not your ex partner’s mental state. You may not be a qualified psychologist, nor appointed by the court or an impartial figure. But you can use the time to pin a label on your ex.

Bonus points for taking in news clippings to back up your views but the court won’t be interested in them.

Number four: Fighting fire with fire/telling the court like it is

You’ve been labelled as angry, aggressive and contrary – and to show the court this isn’t the case you’re going to fight everyone. Every step of the way. You’re going to counter allegation with allegation. Do things `on principle’. Do stuff to see how your ex partner likes it. Tell the court what you think of it.

You won’t get contact or time with your children…but at least you didn’t bow down to anyone.

The Jerry Springer-style wrap up

The family law courts are full of angry and upset people.  It’s quite possible that you’re one of them and reading this has made you angry and upset.

But the courts are set up to deal with angry and upset people…it’s something they’re really good at doing. As always – it’s all about focus. What are you in court for in the first place?

Think carefully before you act.

Paperwork madness: What do I do about bundles and statements?

Represent myself? Won't there be too much paperwork?Court cases and mountains of paperwork…

…but is it all really necessary? Will it actually make any difference to your case?

It’s a great question. It’s possible that you can turn up at your next hearing with nothing at all, that the court will listen to you, take into account that you’re a litigant-in-person who doesn’t understand the bedroom reading that is Practice Direction 27A and make an order that you feel is fair and in the best interests of your child.

In the same way it’s likely that on the way to the hearing you won’t need the restraint of your seat belt because you’re not going to drive into the back of the car in front of you. We’re guessing that despite this you usually buckle up when you go for drive though.

Clunk click every trip.

Overkill? You decide.

It’s all about the judgement isn’t it? It’s a risk you decide is or isn’t acceptable. Some things are worth punting – some things aren’t.

Court paperwork can be like a seatbeltWhen you’re in the family courts it’s your how much money you’ll be left with when the dust settles from the divorce or separation. Or when your children will be able to see you. You know how important it is to you. When you ask us, we’ll tell you if we think it is worth putting together than trial bundle. That statement. Anything else.

We can be a cautious bunch here at Family Law Towers. We’re great at doing things on the fly. Which is useful when it comes to helping you in negotiations. When you’ve got the police knocking at your door. When you’ve been pole-axed by a piece of information at precisely the wrong moment.

But when that sort of stuff isn’t happening we like to prepare, organise and decide what an acceptable risk is. The decision is yours however and we’ll support you in whatever way you choose…

Divorce, money and children – three strands in one.

Divorce? It’s easy to forget: Not everyone has the same area of expertise as you and doesn’t take for granted the same stuff.

We’re called `Family Law Assistance’. Because unsurprisingly enough…we assist people with Family Law. It’s something we deal with on a daily basis.

Divorce consists of the divorce itself, financial arrangements and can involve children.

But despite the bulk of our work concerning children, arrangements concerning them is just one of the three different strands (if you’re married) that need dealing with.

These three strands are:

  1. The divorce itself.
  2. Financial arrangements.
  3. Child arrangements.

How these are dealt with depend on your own particular situation. Things like…do you agree on them? Are you amicable? What the circumstances of your situation? What is the situation with assets? Liabilities? At least two of them can apply to unmarried couples too (for our more legally minded friends we’re talking about TOLATA and Schedule 1 Applications).

Timing is crucial too…so it’s often a case of judgement and not simply knowledge of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 or what forms to fill in and how.

The three strands of divorce: Spot the odd one out

OK, OK. Bit of a trick headline there.

But the court really wants you to agree on things without it having to get involved as much as possible. They’re overstretched, under budgeted and besides…you’re much more likely to stick to an order if you are actually happy with it – which is where agreement comes in.

But for the sake of drawing a line on a marriage there does need to be a certain amount of paperwork.

So there does need to be a piece of paper that says you’re actually divorced.

And there needs to be something that says you’re not the financial liability or beneficiary of your (now ex) spouse’s money woes or otherwise.

Children though…agree the arrangement between yourselves and it’s not the business of anyone else’s. You can (and should!) work with your ex partner to raise your children as best as you can despite going your separate ways.

You don’t need an order for your children. You don’t need use to help you with that if you agree with your ex and you don’t need a solicitor.

Divorce: The wrap up

The take home from this post is straightforward:

  1. When most people talk about `divorce’ the usually mean the whole lot – divorce itself, money and children.
  2. Unmarried people can (but don’t have to) deal with money and children.
  3. Agreeing stuff is better, faster and cheaper than involving us or a solicitor.
  4. It is possible.

As always…keep things amicable where ever possible!

Witnesses - need to witness and not repeat hearsay

Witnesses and witness statements. Are they worth it?

Witnesses need to have first hand experience of what they're talking about - not hearsayWitnesses: My friends have written me witness statements I want to show the court

It’s a phrase we often hear at just about any point in a court hearing when discussing witnesses. And it’s entirely understandable. You are hurt, angry and worn down by accusations you know aren’t true. Statements and letters from your ex partner’s solicitor list words and actions you know have no basis in truth.

A witness statement defending your good character can only help, yes?

Like we say…we’re not going to blame you for wanting to do this.

But.

It won’t you do you any good either

Think about it.

You have a chance to show the court documents that help even things out a little. To show you are well liked, decent, fair and a good parent and/or partner.

You’re not going to submit something that doesn’t say this though are you? You’re going to select something that backs up your position. And your closest family members will only ever write something nice in the first place won’t they?

The court won’t object to you submitting these statements of course. But it may well not pay them too much attention too.

There’s something worth reminding anyone who says they will write you a statement of something important too: They’ll need to be available to go to court to be examined on what they’ve written. By the judge. Or the other side’s solicitor/barrister.

You’d be surprised how many people change their mind when you do this. Many people suddenly realise they `don’t want to get involved’.

So are witness statements a waste of time?

The answer is black and white: No.

Witnesses can make a huge difference. We’ve known them to swing cases.

Here are a few things that make a good witness. You need someone who:

  • Isn’t an `interested party’. So no friends. No family members. Someone who is seen as neutral and `respectable’ by the court. The best witness we ever saw was the vicar of the church both parties attended. You get the picture.
  • Is prepared to wait around all day and then called into court to be cross-examined by someone who does it for a living and can ask some very tricky questions.
  • Actually saw stuff that is relevant to the case. Not someone who heard from you or someone else. Not someone who will say he/she has always been an awful person.

Should I use witnesses?

The truth is that in many circumstances there are few (if any) decent witnesses who are going to enhance the strength of a case. At best many witnesses add nothing and at worst muddy the waters and cause focus to be lost.

That’s not to say a good witness isn’t worth their weight in gold – they can be invaluable. But like many other aspects of handling your own case it is all about judgement.

Don’t sweat this, but keep your eye on the ball.

NB – there are another kind of witness you’ll find in court. Single joint experts – appointed by the court, but we’ll speak about them another time.

What do to when the ex won’t hand the children over

As with many questions relating to family law this is another subject surrounded by myths. Swallow these myths uncritically and you could seriously damage your case.

So it’s important to know what your options are and know the truth.

Calling the police won’t help – even if you have a residence order

It seems to be the reason that many parents actively seek a residence order (or more correctly these days an order that says the children lives with them) – because they think they can ring 999 and a car with blue flashing lights will race to the children and return them.

Pro-tip: They won’t.

At the most the police will visit where your children are and do a welfare check. That said there are two ways the police CAN remove children…

  1. The first is an Emergency Protection Order (a s34 order – under the Family Law Act). Note: You’re unlikely to get one of these just because your ex has retained the children. Making an application of this type without good reason is a spectacularly bad idea – and your ex hanging onto the children isn’t one of them.
  2. The police have `reasonable cause to believe that a child would otherwise be likely to suffer significant harm’ (under Section 24 of the Children Act). Again…phoning the police and hoping they return them to you won’t meet this criteria. And again it’ll likely cause more problems that it will solve. The police will most likely tell you that the most they can do and you need to speak to your solicitor and/or should consider an application to the courts.

This is because where children spend their time is a civil matter – and outside the remit of the police.

It’s worth noting that having a residence order means nothing when it comes to the above. We’re constantly surprised by the number of people who seem to think this is the case however and it seems to be a BIG motivation for many people applying for residence (or that the children `live with them’ as orders have it these days). We’re not sure why so many people seem to want a residence order but we have our suspicions

So what to do?

Well…if it’s a weekend and the courts are shut…not a lot. Like many other situations faced by this in the family court arena the answer is `It depends’. Factors include (but are not limited to):

  • It having happened before and is an established pattern.
  • You’ve been told that the children won’t be permitted to see you without an order.
  • There is a good/genuine reason for this happening.
  • What has happened before.

Your potential responses include:

  • Doing nothing.
  • Sending a letter/email saying you are disappointed the children have been denied time, etc.
  • Making an application to the court for enforcement.

The moral of this story…

…is…it depends’. The hard part isn’t knowing the law (although it helps), it isn’t knowing what your rights are. It’s about judging what is going to help you achieve your goals and what isn’t. Losing a `battle’ isn’t losing the war.

Keep your eyes on the ball and don’t get distracted.

Do you see blue sky or clouds?

What would you do if you had a fresh start?

What if? What if today was a new day and the past didn’t affect it? Or tomorrow? Or any other point in the future?

What if you felt free from the constraints that have left you tired, worried and drained? How would that feel? What would you do?

Is how you feel is your choice – or someone else’s?

It’s a good question. People will usually respond with phrases like `You can’t control your feelings’. Or My ex makes me feel like this’ or – and in line with what these webpages are actually about and what you’re likely here to gain a little insight in – `I’ve got a two day trial coming up and I am terrified my kids will never see me again how the hell do you expect me to feel???’

Like I say – it’s a fair point.

Backtrack for a moment…

Start small. What if you got a flat tyre? Would it ruin your day? Would you conclude being miserable the rest of the day benefited you? No? How about your favourite pet dying (remember – we have  too many cats here so we’re definitely animal lovers!) How long would you need to be utterly miserable to do them justice.

Or would you stick your head in the sand and hope it all gets better on it’s own?

How would it be if you could wave a magic wand and be OK with these things? Not happy necessarily…but OK – able to deal with the day to day stuff and move forward with your life and your plans?

What would you lose by doing this? What would you gain?

2019 is just around the corner. Exciting opportunities to join a gym, lose weight, stop smoking and be a better person and all that. But we all know that it’s just a number on a calendar don’t we? Today is always a good time to start. It’s a choice you can make. And only you.

Looking for answers on a blog post(!) is pointless if you aren’t the change you want. We can give you excellent case law. Help you fill forms in. Help you negotiate in a court hearing, deal with paperwork and tell you when to let it slide.

But it all comes from you.

If you’re scared by this prospect, or angered by it (thinking `I have no power’) ask yourself why you feel the way you do and what you would do if things were otherwise…

Full Moon Coaching

Empower yourself!

We’ve found this such a powerful and insightful tool for many of our clients that we’ve trained to help people with this sort of thing and started a new company. We’ve already helped people change their mindset when it comes to their lives and got some pretty spectacular results. We’re so excited about this we’ve started a new company because it’s not just about court cases and grind – it’s about something much more powerful:

You.

So make today count. Worry about Deal with tomorrow when it comes. And live in the moment.