Lingua Franca – do you speak the same language as your ex?

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

What is the fascination of speaking new languages?

Learning a new language is challenging but comes with unique difficulties. Unless you have a passion for modern languages or even a few ancient ones like Latin learning a new language is reserved for holidays to Spain and Italy. To learn to ask where facilities are, or the right word for ‘pizza’ (answer – it is pizza) Instruments and tools for learning a new tongue can be delivered  via the impressively fun Rosetta Stone Language course (a worthy hobby during lockdown).

When I am practising Italian using this method, I feel like Sophia Loren and have a sudden craving for rich creamy pasta dishes.

The new language of the separated parent

We also have to learn a new language when dealing with our former spouses and partners.

Especially when communication has otherwise broken down. Following an acrimonious separation, when contact due to the needs of the children cannot be avoided, then new tools are required.  The triggered reactions to parenting requests are easily provoked. And disdain and negativity are not going to benefit anyone within your family dynamic.

As parents we are tasked with teaching your children how to behave by example. We are their role models and owe it to them to develop out skills where appropriate.

No Smoke without friendly fire?

When we are out in parks there are very few of us that do not react with a degree of frustration when stranger’s children are misbehaving. Screaming and indulging in public display of anger at the top of the list of anti-social behaviour.

Yet this is how we subconsciously do with our former partners.

These become public displays of behaviour and we need to be combat the outcomes of being aggravated in this way. They are not your partner anymore and this is not behaviour behind ‘closed doors’. If the behaviour becomes extreme, then the involvement of the  authorities, it then becomes evidence of any accusations that your former partner may reference in their Family Court hearing with you.

We are all human, but until you have settled your child arrangements orders, your conduct and family relationships are subject to the examination of the Family Court.

How to re-establish civility

Take heart. There are simple solutions around to help you combat this new dynamic. Initially we shall deal with the finer points of written communication

1. If civility is a long-distant memory ensure all your communications are in writing.
2. Critical to step one – do not sent emails and texts when angry. Let the email sit in draft overnight, then revisit. Almost always, you will have calmed down and can put your points across
3. Stick to the subject. There is no room for false pleasantries such as “How are you?”
4. In written communications, absolutely no swearing or name calling.
5. Bullet points are your friends and keep you on track with what you are asking of the other party
6. There is no requirement for you to ever post on their social media. As the law becomes more complex about Online Bullying, anticipate that laws will always change on this.
7. Avoid using your former marital nicknames for each other. They are not ‘Bunnykins’ anymore. Use their name (we recommend first names as `Mr Smith’ or `Ms Smith’ can sound a little cold or distant and no longer your partner. I do not recommend addressing them as either of those terms in daily emails, but this will be the new structure of your world until court orders are made.

It’s good to talk – except when it isn’t

Let this be the kickoff point for the new ‘entente cordiale’ with your childrens other parent. When this written communication starts to establish a new presedent, then face to face communications can be worked up. Start small, and get bigger

The Guide For Separated Parents to Communicate by Gingerbread

About the author…

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

Steven Wade is the founder of Family Law Assistance, a team of McKenzie Friends supporting litigants in person through the family court system in England and Wales. With nearly two decades of experience in family law starting in 2006., Steven has guided hundreds of clients through proceedings involving child arrangements, parental alienation, financial disputes, and non-molestation orders as well as finance and divorce matters. He's run branches of Fathers Need Fathers in England and Wales (now Both Parents Matter), hosted workshops for separated parents, trained McKenzie Friends to assist litigants in the family and travels around the country to assist men and women in and out of court. Steven regularly produces content to demystify legal processes both in blog posts on this site and also on Tiktok and is known for his empathetic, practical advice. He has delivered training and support to parents and support workers dealing with the route through the family court.