1 year ago

Our Top Five Tips for Helping Your Children During Your Breakup

During a relationship breakdown, it is pretty common for parents to get so absorbed in their own emotional turmoil that they forget someone else is being affected and taking it all in – their child / children.  Relationship breakdowns can be really tough on your kids as well as on you.

Here are our top five tips to help you centre your children and put their wellbeing first so as to cause minimal disruption to their lives and help them to cope with the inevitable changes and the fluctuating emotions.

1. Remind your children that they are loved by BOTH parents

Don’t just say you love them; you need to show them they are loved and give them emotional permission to love and enjoy spending time with their other parent.  This also applies to their extended family, such as their grandparents.  This is incredibly important in terms of the child’s sense of self-worth and belonging.  Emotional permission is very different to just saying you are OK with it.  They have to also feel like you are OK with it.  If you are not (for example, because they cheated on you), perhaps you need to undertake some work on yourself and dealing with those emotions.  Just because you are no longer partners in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t follow that you are no longer partners in parenting.  You need to find a way past it.

2. Be honest

Don’t lie to your kids, tell them the truth BUT only where it is suitable for them to hear.  You should also bear in mind whether what you tell them is age appropriate and whether it is something they need to know.  You do not need to discuss adult things with your child. For example, your child does not need to know how much your former partner has hurt your feelings or that they had sex with some random person or that they have been texting someone else.  Take as much of your emotion out of it as possible. That said, you should also refrain from telling them “everything is OK” and you and their other parent “aren’t going to split up” if that is not the case.

“Don’t just say you love them; you need to show them they are loved and give them emotional permission to love and enjoy spending time with their other parent.”

3. Avoid The Blame Game

I get that you’re emotional.  I get that you’re annoyed your partner cheated on you or that they have thrown in the metaphorical towel before you have .  But do you really need to involve your kids in this?  For one thing, it is petty.  For another, there is no prize for who can make their child hate the other parent the most.  It also harms your child.  There is simply no need to be disparaging about their other parent around your child, even if you do hate the bones of your ex.  It is worth asking yourself whether you should really be saying this to your child, or whether you might want to talk to a friend or a professional. Children are not there to counsel you through this and do not need you leaning on them.

4. Stick to their routines

Kids thrive on routines and stability.  Try and keep things as normal for them as possible.  This doesn’t mean you get to set boundaries for your child’s other home or to interfere with the other parent’s parenting of your child (unless there is a safeguarding or wellbeing issue).  Please also remember that their time with their other parent is their time.  You do not get to dictate what happens.  That said, everything that does happen should be in the best interests of the child.  So if little Johnny gets invited to a party but it is your weekend to spend time with your child, if Johnny wants to go, you should facilitate this.  This point is important for a child’s sense of belonging, control and self-esteem.  I would also recommend against introducing new partners until you are sure things are serious and the same has been communicated to the other parent.

5. Listen to them

Give them space and time.  Allow them to feel how they feel.  And allow them to speak with you about it in their own words.  This is not an opportunity for you to tell them how you feel or to berate the other parent.  Listen to your child and help them to communicate their feelings and needs.  Do not make them choose sides.

 

If you are having difficulties discussing matters with your child, you might wish to visit the NSPCC website for advice on discussing difficult subjects with your children.  You might also want to look at the CAFCASS Separated Parents Information Programme and Handbook if you are struggling to centre your child’s needs or discuss their needs with their other parent.

If you wish to talk to someone about formalising your arrangements for who the child lives with and when they spend time with their other parent, or you wish to discuss any matters where you cannot reach agreement with your ex (e.g. name changes, schooling or medical issues), you can book in for advice with Kim here.

*This guide only applies where you have no concerns as to the child / children coming to any harm in the care of their other parent – if there are any safeguarding issues, you must act in your child’s best interests and seek urgent legal advice.