My ex has stopped me seeing my child
- Introduction
- Can my ex stop me seeing my child?
- Why do parents stop their ex seeing their child?
- What if your ex is right?
- What do I do to see my child? (An introduction).
- Persuading your ex.
- Solving it via mediation.
- How to organise mediation.
- Taking it to court.
- Conclusion.
Introduction
When parents separate or divorce that shouldn’t affect the relationship between one of the parents and their child. Why would it?
A parent doesn’t automatically go from being a good parent to a bad one because they’re no longer with the other parent.
If you’re saying `My ex has stopped me seeing my child’ you’re in a big club. It’s one of the most common reasons people make an application to the court. Many of our clients are parents whose ex partner has controlled or stopped a relationship between them and their child.
The justification for the parent doing this can be good, bad or ugly.
Usually they will unilaterally decide their ex partner isn’t seeing their child and simply fail to make the child available. They’ll refuse to hand the child over, take them elsewhere when time with the other parent or make threats to discourage their ex partner from attempting to do so.
Children benefit from having a meaningful relationship with both parents and when this doesn’t happen, it is often not in their best interests. It goes without saying this is the case when a parent is safe to do so. I’m going to take a default position here. Namely that parents are good and reasonable whose children will benefit from having their mum or dad in their life.
Likewise, children benefit from seeing their parents working together and not being put in a position where they feel they have to choose between two much loved parents.
Can my ex stop me seeing my child?
From a legal perspective if you have Parental Responsibility (PR) the answer is no.
Simple, right?
From a legal perspective it’s black and white. No one – not schools, doctors, police, social services or even other parents with PR – in normal circumstances have the powers or right to interfere in this way. There are exceptions to this, both legal and practical.
Think about it. PR is something every parent has for the child (providing they’re a mother, were married to her when she gave birth to them, got it by agreement with mother, are on the birth certificate or she agreed to it by filling in a C(PRA1) form. This doesn’t change if you’re with the other parent or not. If this was the case, anyone could randomly overrule you when it came to your own child. It doesn’t work like this.
But the law is clear on this.
Any parent who stops or controls a relationship between a child and a parent who has PR for them without a court order is acting without legal basis.
Surely that means your ex partner can’t just stop you seeing the kids? But as it happens, why is that.
The simple reason is that `Possession is nine tenths of the law‘. When it comes to children, this is not the case, legally speaking. But when it comes to practical considerations it’s a simple fact that person who has the children with them has an advantage over the other parent. Namely, they can say `no’. Which leads to the other parent having to go down the legal route – the one that involves court cases, solicitors and large legal bills.
These plain facts often attracts a lot of upset, anger and criticism. To be fair, there are situations when stopping contact between a parent and child is undoubtedly the right thing to do – reasons that a court would agree with in a heartbeat if it were brought to their attention. But the fact remains: Only a court has the power to say this, no one else – not even a parent.
It’s reasonable to ask `Why should I have to go to court and pay money to see my own children?’ I’m with you here, by the way. But it’s the system that’s in place for the moment.
Why do parents stop their ex seeing their child?
Few parents set out to prevent their ex partner spending time with the children. Often phrases like `I’ll never stop you seeing the kids’ are used, but as time goes on, it happens. Amicable separations often go sour, sadly.
She said I could see the children whenever I liked. But when I got a new girlfriend she demanded to meet her. I didn’t want that to happen, but she said that was her right and she then stopped contact completely until I agreed with what she wanted. I’m being blackmailed.
Ask parents who have stopped contact why they’ve done that and you’ll get a multitude of justifications. These can include:
- The police told me I should stop contact.
- Social Services told me I should stop contact.
- I have a residence order so I am in charge.
- They can’t see the child until I meet their new partner.
- They can’t see the child unless they tell me what they’re going to be doing with them.
- They can’t see the child until I have vetted their new partner.
- They can’t see the child until they have paid maintenance.
- They can’t see the child until I am happy they are able to parent their child.
- They can’t see the child if they’re meeting people I disapprove of.
- They are unsafe with the ex.
- I’m moving away with the children.
- Because they can.
As I have said in the previous paragraph none of the above (and any other justification) have any legal basis unless backed up by a court order. So if you’re faced with one of the above you can hope your ex partner changes their mind (or persuade them by speaking to them or organising mediation) or taking the matter to court.
What if your ex is right?
Sometimes parents stop contact for the best of reasons.
So if your child is unsafe around you – address it. You owe it your child and you owe it to yourself and everyone else around you. They may just want to get away from you.
If you have a mental health issues, challenges with your parenting, drug or alcohol problems, work on it. Get the support you need from a charity or professional organisation. Take a proactive attitude to fixing things. While doing so, document what you are doing by way of letters, emails, certificates to demonstrate what you’re doing.
Doing this isn’t an admission of failure – quite the contrary. You’re a human being and just want to be the best parent to your child you can be. Admitting there is something that needs work is a first (and huge) step that can changes things drastically. No reasonable person will criticise for you this (even though you may be quite reasonably worrying your ex will use it against you).
If you need help, get it. It doesn’t stop you making a court application either, incidentally. When your application is before the court and you’re able to demonstrate you have shown you are actively working on the things you need to address (see above) it can actually be a benefit. The court sees a huge number of people who refuse to take responsibility for their own choices and order people to do many of the things you’re (hopefully) addressing things voluntarily.
Either way you need a plan…
What do I do to see my child? (An introduction).
Assuming you genuinely believe there is no good reason why you shouldn’t see your child…the easy answer is `don’t hang around’.
Every day I get a huge number of people who tell me in one breath they’re desperate for help and then telling me why they’re going to do nothing.
If your child is not seeing you, no one will be pushing you to get things moving. The court, the police, social services, etc. will not be chasing you to be part of your child’s life. No one is coming to your rescue and there’s no help unless you decide you want the situation to change. Posting about it on social media doesn’t work (and may even damage your prospects when you DO take action because it’s going to be used against you by a hostile ex-partner.
Time is against you.
Children grow fast and a status quo of not seeing you will rapidly become the norm, leaving you to answer the question `Why is changing things in the best interests of the child?’ (one of the points addressed in the Welfare Checklist) in court if it ends up there. You could find yourself – when you DO take things to court – being asked why you’ve made an application at all because you obviously felt the children not seeing you was in their best interests.
So it’s on you to get things moving, to have a plan and take action. In an ideal world this plan means talking to your ex, agreeing arrangements and working together to avoid the time, expense and heartache of a court case.
The best case scenario is you working together with your ex partner and being a shining example to separated parents, demonstrating to everyone that while your relationship didn’t work you were able to overcome your personal feelings to bring up your child together.
If not? It’s time to move onto the next step.
Persuading your ex
You may be laughing at this. You could be saying `He doesn’t know what my ex is like’. It may be a complete and utter waste of time even trying.
I’m being deadly serious here. You should try to avoid court, avoid involving other people in your situation unless there is no other option. You and your ex partner are best placed to know what is in the best interests of your child. The law is a blunt instrument – with court orders sometimes being inflexible, causing further problems down the line. Add in the innate hostility in many court cases – often fuelled by legal professionals such as solicitors, barristers and CAFCASS officers – and it can be a recipe for disaster with a child’s first years being scarred by constant legal action.
Mediation is pointless. My ex has the kids and she’s going to drag things out. Why would she even go? She’s got everything she wants and she’s told me the only way I’m ever going to see them is if I take her to court – and I just don’t have the money.
The best case scenario is to agree arrangements with you ex partner.
A cup of coffee at a coffee shop, a notepad, a calendar and agreeing what is going to happen. Compromise on both sides and walking away with respect for your ex partner, even if you weren’t destined to be together.
Failing that…you can get help.
💬 Is your ex stopping you seeing your child? Book your Ask Me Anything Call for just £125 + VAT and let’s talk about how we change that.
Solving it via mediation
Mediation is just another way of having someone help work out things. People usually shy away from it for two reasons:
- They think it’s expensive
- Or it’s a waste of time.
A good mediator will take a neutral stance, listening to how you both see things and then help you put together an arrangement that in an ideal world means you can agree on. They’ll often draft a `memorandum of understanding’ which documents the whole thing. This will put things in black and white, will remind you what you agreed and can be referred to if need be in the future.
It’s important to realise however that mediation is not legally binding.
If one (or both) parties aren’t keen on sitting in the same room, `shuttle mediation’ is possible – with the mediator moving between different locations, hopefully achieving the same result mentioned above.
The problem with mediation?
It’s common for the parent who has the child to feel they have nothing to gain from attempting (and everything to lose). The more pious mediators will say it’s not a case of `winning’ or `losing’ but the point is this: If someone feels the current arrangements for the children are for the best and they have a veto on anything else…why would they agree to anything else? Or even attend?
You may be right about mediation being a waste of time – you know your ex. As for cost, you’ve got a point. It’s not cheap. But it’s still cheaper than a court case, believe me.
How to organise mediation
As a parent who wishes to change the situation, it’s important to take control of the situation by doing the following:
- Find a mediator close to where your ex lives. Google `Family Mediation‘.
- Book mediation ASAP – you need a MIAM.
The mediator will invite you in for a MIAM (a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting). You’ll attend this alone. Your ex partner will likewise be invited to one.
All going well, you’ll both be invited in for further sessions.
But here’s where it gets tricky.
It’s not unknown for a parent who doesn’t wish to engage to drag their feet at this step – by not responding to mediators, by only being available several months down the line, to cancel at short notice before meetings, etc.
If this happens…it may be time for the next step. Which is a court application. Before doing so however you are still going to need to attend a MIAM even if you are 100% sure it is a waste of time – it’s a legal requirement and will be recorded on your court application form.
Taking it to court
A court application should be the last resort. If it’s the only way of protecting your child’s relationship with you, do it. If not – consider doing something else.
It’s effectively `pushing the big red button’ and any hostility you may now be experiencing may be dialled up to 11.
As Michaela Wade of Family Law Assistance says
If you think making a court application will upset the apple cart, you’re missing the point:
The applecart is already on its side, the apples rolling down the hill and the cart is on fire!
It’s right to be hesitant to make an application, but if it is the only way – be clear about what you want.
Your case is almost certainly not going to be over at the first hearing. Your ex partner is almost certainly not going to `see sense’ – instead, they’re going to speak to a solicitor (if they haven’t done so already), gained support from their friends and family, thought about their justifications for stopping you seeing your child and dug their heels in.
You may well receive hostile letters from your ex partner’s solicitor warning you to withdraw your applications or detailing allegations against you – which will seem like attempts to scare you into accepting what your ex wants. This is par for the course and you should not be alarmed.
Instead? Find help. If you have a solicitor or someone like me by your side you’ll have someone to help you deal with what happens next. While it is perfectly achievable for someone to represent themselves, doing it utterly alone is seldom a good idea. You’re dealing with your children and it is hard to remain impartial or focused without a more neutral standpoint.
What happens next?
Most people making an application to the court end up seeing their children. There are cases where it doesn’t happen, but that’s rare and chances are that’s not going to happen to you.
It may well be longer, harder and more expensive than you expect (and than it should be).
But it can be done. Focus on the positive, what you want to achieve and the knowledge that it is in your child’s best interests to have you in their life.
Over the last 18 years we’ve assisted thousands of people facing the problem you’ve currently got. We’ve seen what works and what doesn’t. We know what your ex has done, is doing and will do. It means we can anticipate 4,5,6 steps ahead where things will go and help you give a plan to deal with it as easily as possible.
If you’re here because you’re telling people `My ex has stopped me seeing my child’ your next step is to book an online Ask Me Anything session. We’ll chat, answer all your questions and help to resolve the challenges you face. It seems hopeless, we know. But it’s almost always very fixable.
Speak soon!
Last updated 18th June 2025
