Contact – when you’re `sticking to the court order’.

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

`It’s a speed limit, not a goal’

That’s what Michaela said to me as we headed towards yet another hearing to help another parent who was barely seeing their children. As usual, I was doing most of the driving. I tend to stick to the speed limit – 70mph on the motorway. It comes of having spent time driving the mean streets of central London.

Traffic and bad driving hold no fear for me.

It got me thinking about how many parents seem to view contact orders. Well…when I say many…I mean usually the ones who are the primary carer who are in court because their ex has made the application to be allowed to see the kids more or at all; because you only make an application to the court a) if you’re not happy with things as they are or b) your ex won’t agree to what you want to happen.

The phrase `I’m sticking to the court order’ comes up depressingly often though. If ain’t in black and white with a stamp from the court it ain’t happening. Tough.

Analogies

To my mind it seems to be similar to the following situations:

• Going to a motorway service station and finding your `Full English for just £8.99′ consists of one sausage, one small rasher of bacon, one egg, a table spoon of baked beans, half a mushroom and a slice of toast.
• Attending a huge concert and finding that your seat is so far up the back that you can just see the performers if you have binoculars or behind a support column that obscures the stage.
• Your counsellor looking at their watch and saying `Sorry – time’s up!’ just as you make a big breakthrough.
• The traffic warden slapping a ticket on your car 30 seconds after your parking expires.

These are all examples of `keeping to the letter of the law, but not the spirit’. Technically you can’t complain, because all the right boxes are ticked but…they’re all a little mean spirited aren’t they?

You can’t complain mate, you knew what the deal was so stop complaining because there is nothing you can do about it.

If someone is taking the same tack with contact, chances are they’re hostile to it. Of course, it’s inevitable that sometimes a parent will ask for `extra time’ when the child has other plans. But all the time…? Really? What are the chances of that?

Even worse?

I’m not a mind reader. So I don’t know in which cases someone is being mean-spirited about contact and who is hostile to it. You could say I’ve got a drum to bang and you disagree with everything I’ve written so far. In fact…I have met people who genuinely think that a court order (when it comes to contact) has to be stuck to absolutely rigidly.

It’s a bit of an urban myth in some circles

Don’t get me wrong…that does happen. There are court orders like that. You’ll know when that’s the case however because the order will explicitly say what you can’t do.

More often an order says `any additional contact that can be agreed between the parties‘.

That little caveat tells you all that you need to know. The court would much rather you and your ex bugger off, and work out arrangements for your kids between you without anyone else getting involved. i.e. like `normal parents’ (if there’s such a thing). It can and does happen. You’re not going to be criticised by the court if you say (at the next hearing) `Oh – we worked extra time/an arrangment for the kids between us’. In fact you’re going to be commended for it.

And as time goes on and you and your ex are able to make arrangements like this you’re going to realise that even if you’re not necessarily each other’s greatest fans you are able to work with each other and – when it comes to your kids – you pushing in the same direction. And your kids will see Mum and Dad working together too..

Don’t be that parent

I remember a certain case that lasted about 5 years (they don’t tend to be that long these days). My client had calculated how much contact had been taken place on top of what had been ordered.

It turned out to be all of 18 hours.

Or less than 4 hours per year less than what the court had ordered. The primary carer was keen to tell the court they were to promote contact too(!) and how inflexible my client was (although as I mention before the child was always busy whenever they proposed additional contact…)

This is a common scenario in my experience.

It doesn’t have to be like this. It takes two to tango. Or work together. What will you choose?

About the author…

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

Steven Wade is the founder of Family Law Assistance, a team of McKenzie Friends supporting litigants in person through the family court system in England and Wales. With nearly two decades of experience in family law starting in 2006., Steven has guided hundreds of clients through proceedings involving child arrangements, parental alienation, financial disputes, and non-molestation orders as well as finance and divorce matters. He's run branches of Fathers Need Fathers in England and Wales (now Both Parents Matter), hosted workshops for separated parents, trained McKenzie Friends to assist litigants in the family and travels around the country to assist men and women in and out of court. Steven regularly produces content to demystify legal processes both in blog posts on this site and also on Tiktok and is known for his empathetic, practical advice. He has delivered training and support to parents and support workers dealing with the route through the family court.