Steven Wade is a family law advisor (McKenzie Friend) with nearly 20 years of experience helping people represent themselves in court. Having been through the system personally and supported thousands of others since, he knows what it’s like to face the stress, confusion, and pressure of doing it alone. This blog shares practical insights that empower you to take control of your case — without the legal jargon or the hefty solicitor’s bill.
Top Tips for Indirect Contact and Children
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Top Tips for Indirect Contact and Children
Regardless whether Family Court ordered indirect contact with the children or not, heres my top tips. Understandably, You may of course be feeling bewildered and wondering what to fill up that time with! You will have little chance of a dry run. However, I’ve learnt an awful lot because I’ve spent alot of time helping families through conflict. You get to witness and observe how each family navigate their way through it. Fathers particularly have impressed me with their creative way of thinking this through and making it work. When you go back to court, believe me, this stuff is gold.
If it impresses me then theres a really good chance you’re gonna impress your kids, your ex (although she may not ever tell you that!) and also the Judge. Dont under estimate this powerful stuff. I have even seen a Judge throw a case out when a child has been in care for many months. One of the deciding factors was the way the mother had written a christmas card to her child. For instance, she apologised to the little one for not being there with them on Christmas Day. Her personal journal reflected how heartbroken they both were. The judge mentioned it as well as other very important facts to consider. It was just and fair to return the child to the parents.
Can I say I Love Them?
Firstly, its OK to say you love them but dont overdo it and keep it simple! For example its far easier to say “Nanny wanted me to say Hi and that she loves you” rather than “Nanny misses you and shes feeling sad because she dosnt know when shes gonna see you again”.
Watch Your Words!
Often the primary carer will be within ear shot. This is their way of being protective, curious, and sometimes attempting to be controlling the situation. Dont allow this to put you off. In time, once there is better trust, you may start to see the reins slackening abit. I usually suspect this is because a primary carer (usually Mum) is concerned that there may be tricky conversations and hidden meanings discussed between you and the children. This is easy to avoid. Just make the agenda and the activity child focused. Stay away from anything contentious for the time being. Discuss the importance of this with your relatives who may also want to pop online and drop their own lemon drops. These things get reported back! I listen to frustrated fathers who havnt planned something to do during the contact and then find it is very awkward because a young child dosnt have the attention, focus or ability to stay on a videocall for long!
Indirect Contact With The Children Does Not Need To Be Sombre!
I know this contact will be very emotional, especially for the first time, BUT keep it ight hearted. This tone for indirect contact will show the kids you have unconditional love for them, understand their sense of identity, where they are from, sharing happy memories and who the family consists of. You get the chance to show yourself as a positive role model because you will be listening to them and finding out about whats important to them. Make a special effort to find out and recall what their favourite
- Toy
- TV Show
- Movie
- School Topic
- Books and
- Games are.
Do not diss the EX. I will repeat myself here. Do NOT diss the ex.
Your “Boring” Is Not Their “Boring”
Your boring is not their boring. Never under estimate how nosy and curious children are. They want to know if your bike chain fell off that morning, or if your shopping bag split and you had to stuff your lemons in your pockets. Just think how they might remember the silly story Daddy told them when he went to work with his shoes on the wrong feet and his jumper inside out!
Top Tips For Indirect Contact and Children
Above all stick to this mnemonic I made up and you wont go far wrong. I’m pretty chuffed with myself and this one!
Think SCARF
S – Keep it SIMPLE.
C – Be CONSISTENT
A – Make the content AGE RELATED.
R – Stick to REGULAR times.
F – Make it funny and light hearted.
Stick to SCARF and you wont go far wrong!
This blog is Part 2 of 3 articles on indirect contact. Click here for Part 1
This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.
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