Don’t join the Downers

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

If you want my advice, give up now

It’s not the sort of thing you’d see as supportive on a, erm, support form. Your life has been turned upside down. You’d been poleaxed by not seeing your children, receiving a particularly hurtful letter from your ex’s solicitor, a CAFCASS or social services report or hearing what their `friends’ on Facebook think about it all.

Who better to understand what it’s like than others who are in the same boat as you? They get it….right? And even before pandemic, social media is an excellent way of reaching out to them.

Dramatis Personae

You’re going to meet a wide range of people who post there. Sure, you’re going to meet some people with helpful advice. Nice people who are doing their best to right wrongs, turn the tide on what they see as an unjust system. You’re also going to get angry people.

Here’s a few of the characters you’re liable to meet:

1. John has gone through the court for the last 8 years. He’s as mad as hell and he’s not going to take it any more. He’s not afraid of anyone – not judges, not solicitors, not no one.and he’s happy to tell them to his face. Including the judge at his last hearing who `couldn’t say anything’ after John had told him like it is. He seems to be unaware that the reason the judge said nothing was because the matter was closed and no contact was ordered.
2. Sarah is a non resident mum. She’s got a long history of substance abuse and a lot of involvement with social services. She’ll say her kids were alienated against her and that her ex was abusive – these concerns have been investigated on multiple occasions and turned up nothing. She knows the system colludes with abusers and one day it’s all going to come out in the main stream media. Truth be told…there is almost a lot to her story she isn’t sharing with anyone.
3. Rob is a McKenzie Friend. He went through it himself, wants to help people out and takes calls all hours of the day. He spends a lot of time going through documents that people have emailed and posted to him and will go to hearings for expenses only. But it’s started taking its toll on him: He can’t afford to pay the mortgage and doesn’t like to charge more because he’s just trying to help people. He’s getting sick of it because he keeps getting abuse from John, Sarah and their friends because he told them stuff they didn’t agree with in the Facebook group a couple of months back.
4. Miriam is a grandmother. She’s just looking for some information about what she can do to see her grandkids since her son and daughter-in-law split up a few months back. She’s looking for information because her son has told her no one can do anything and he’s just going to walk away. Despite trying her best to get him to speak to someone to fix it he won’t bother, even if he’s offered free advice.

Out of all of these, Rob is the only positive one – and he’s getting fed up. There’s an increasing chance that he’ll leave the group at some point soon…leaving John and Sarah to post (while Miriam reads up on stuff and gets progressively more disheartened).

They’re going to tell you stuff that’ll make you want to leave and/or give up too. Or maybe get angry like they are.

Misery loves company

The point here is – if you hang around with unhappy and angry people you will become unhappy and angry. The family law situation for many is hard enough at the best of times without hearing a chorus of doom it’s more likely to negatively affect your mood than positively. That said…there are some good groups and forums out there.

Be mindful of this. You’ve got one goal in your family law case – and if it’s anything other than getting the right result for your children, an equitable financial settlement or an amicable divorce. If it’s about changing the system….wait until those things have been sorted out and you can give it your all.

About the author…

Steven Wadehttps://familylawassistance.co.uk/our-founders/

Steven Wade is the founder of Family Law Assistance, a team of McKenzie Friends supporting litigants in person through the family court system in England and Wales. With nearly two decades of experience in family law starting in 2006., Steven has guided hundreds of clients through proceedings involving child arrangements, parental alienation, financial disputes, and non-molestation orders as well as finance and divorce matters. He's run branches of Fathers Need Fathers in England and Wales (now Both Parents Matter), hosted workshops for separated parents, trained McKenzie Friends to assist litigants in the family and travels around the country to assist men and women in and out of court. Steven regularly produces content to demystify legal processes both in blog posts on this site and also on Tiktok and is known for his empathetic, practical advice. He has delivered training and support to parents and support workers dealing with the route through the family court.