Co parenting with a Narcissist – a field guide

1. Introduction
2. Narcissism in the spotlight
3. What is narcissism?
4. 20 things you can do if your ex is a narcissist or not (part 1)
5. 20 things you can do if your ex is a narcissist or not (part 2)
6. Conclusion

Introduction

Full disclosure: I’m not a psychologist. I have zero qualifications in this field. My experience with the term is purely within the sphere of family law. But it comes up time and again in cases involving children.

My views are based on experience in the field. That is – what works and what doesn’t. I’ve talked to thousands of men and women about their situation, helped large numbers of them in their court case and helped them deal with the practical considerations of trying to parent a child with hostile, angry – and possibly narcissistic parents.

I can’t say they’re narcissists because I am not a psychologist. In the decade and a half plus I’ve worked in the family court I haven’t seen a psychologist diagnose someone as one either. What I have seen is what works and what doesn’t – what makes things better and what makes them worse.

But that doesn’t matter. Because there are things you can do to parent a child alongside someone regardless of their behaviour, conditions, diagnoses or anything else.

Back to the top

Narcissism in the spotlight

It’s very common to hear the word `narcissist’ mentioned over and over online too.

Scroll through social media support groups for mums and dads in the family courts, and you’ll be overwhelmed by how often it comes up. Post about it online and it’ll get a lot of people very angry too.

Not only that, there are an increasing number of people who advertise their services as coaches, assisting survivors of narcissistic abuse. Many of them are – like me – not psychologists. Coaches dealing with narcissism are everywhere and it’s big business.

If you are going through the family courts you’re likely come into contact with this term too. Maybe you’ve tried to find an answer to what you’ve experienced throughout (and after) your relationship – it’s normal to look for answers, an explanation and a strategy to deal with someone you’ve been deeply hurt by. Maybe you’re on the other end of it – with your ex partner accusing you of being a narcissist.

Either way – if you’re in the family courts, there are a few things you really need to know about this subject…

Back to the top

What is narcissism?

I had to google this. Like I say – I hear this term a lot – and it seems to be a blanket term for a huge range of bad behaviours. The Mayo Clinic (in the USA) defines it as follows:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.

You’re almost certainly here because you believe your ex is a narcissist. You almost certainly believe their behaviour has been damaging in the past and this isn’t about to change – damaging to you and your children. Unless you’re walking away completely—and cutting all contact is often seen as best when dealing with a narcissist—you’re tied to them because you’ve had children together.

The truth is that it doesn’t matter if your ex partner is a narcissist or not. It’s possible that a high conflict situation with your ex partner may have nothing to do with narcissism. And unless there is a diagnosis by a qualified and impartial psychologist – you don’t really know if they are one or not.

Either way – you need a strategy. Narcissism (and other behaviours) tends to be about power and control. So using strategies to make sure your child’s best interests are met is always a win.

So here are are…

Back to the top

20 things you can do if your ex is a narcissist or not (part 1).

You can’t make your ex do anything (or stop them doing anything – unless it’s something you can get a Prohibited Steps Order, Non Molestation order for, etc.). Fortunately, there are a number of huge things you can do to handle a hostile ex partner regardless of their mental health.

Here’s a practical list of things you can do to minimise hostility, drama and acrimony:

1. Don’t rely on your ex partner for ANYTHING. This includes clothes, food and medication. It also includes information about schools, medical treatment and social activities. Engage with all the relevant people and relevant organisations so you are in direct communication with them so you don’t have to ask your ex partner for information or permission. If you have parental responsibility for your child, you have the right to be consulted and involved in their upbringing.
2. If you have a court order and can’t agree to anything with your ex – stick to it. A well-drafted court order provides a framework. No one can guarantee that a court order will be followed. And it’s all-too-common for someone to `creatively’ misinterpet it in a way that favours what they want to happen (see the next point!) In an ideal world, you would agree things with your ex partner without a court order. A court order provides a bare minimum of contact and gives some structure. Often it also includes leeway to encourage normal parenting. But remember: Even the world’s longest and most detailed order cannot make your ex partner behave reasonably if they choose to not do so.
3. Get a court order that is as comprehensive and unambiguous as possible. As I say in my last point – you cannot make an unreasonable ex partner behave reasonably. But a court order with as little `wiggle room’ as possible can help. For example – you don’t want `contact every other weekend’ – because while you say a weekend means collection from school on a Friday and return there on a Monday while your ex will tell you it actually means collection Saturday lunch time and return Sunday lunch time (I’ve seen this happen). Make things easier by having a consistent handover location and default time in the order (something like `3.30pm outside the Tesco on Station Road when not collected/handover at school).
4. If your ex is using the court process as a weapon consider a 91 (14) barring order. The court makes these orders based on the number of applications, not on how someone behaves in a particular case or hearing. If your ex keeps making applications dragging you back to court for new cases and you can demonstrate they are being vexatious an order of this type can prevent them from making further ones without the permission of the court.
5. Collections and dropoffs at school. This reduces contact with your ex partner, isn’t open to misinterpretation and ensures you are involved in your child’s life.
6. Keep communication to a bare minimum. Don’t get drawn into arguments. If your ex makes an allegation, say it didn’t happen calmly and plainly don’t elaborate. Ignore insults, provocations and attempts to cause an argument (but document them all).
7. Only communicate in relation to the children. If it’s not about the children, don’t respond at all (but document it). If an ex partner continues to attemt to use communication as a tool to harass, consider applying for a Non Molestation Order to ensure you’re only talking about the children.
8. Don’t answer immediately unless you have to. If what they’ve said is hurtful, insulting or otherwise negative don’t respond straight away. 24 hours is a reasonable time to respond. During that time you will likely have calmed down a little, considered your responses and are in a better frame of mind to send a child-focused response.

Phew! There are a huge number of things you have in your arsenal…and there’s more!

Back to the top

20 things you can do if your ex is a narcissist or not (part 2).

1. Keep communication via email/text/WhatsApp. Doing this ensures you have time to consider a response. It also makes it easy for you to document everything that’s been said. Screenprint, download, etc. messages for your records.
2. Use single issue emails. Keep your responses short, simple, and focused on one issue at a time.
3. Use a communication book. A notebook that travels with your child at all times. Write down things your ex needs to know about them – illnesses, stuff involving school, health, diet, medicine. Number the pages (in case someone removes them) and make a copy each time you write in them. Make a copy of new pages every time a new entry is added. Only respond to messages that focus on the child.
4. When put in a Catch-22 situation do what is best for your children. An ex partner may engineer the situation which leaves you feeling `damned if you do, damned if you don’t’. Whatever you do, you lose. Step back for a moment and ask yourself `If I forget my ex what is in the best interests of my child’.
5. Stop caring what they think about you. Easiesr said than done, I know. Reframe this and realise that what they do is far more important and your life becomes a lot easier.
6. Realise your ex is completely responsible for their choices and you are for yours. Don’t get into the habit of thinking that you provoked your ex for what they have done and said. In the same way – if you have done or said something it is completely on you. Don’t feel you `made’ your ex say or do something – and don’t blame them for what you do either.
7. Describe the behaviour, don’t label it. You’re almost certainly not a professional psychologist. Even if you are, you don’t have a neutral relationship with your ex., The court hasn’t appointed you to assess whether they’re a narcissist either. Instead? Describe the behaviours and words you see that aren’t in the best interests of your children and use them instead. Let the court decide. If I talk about a bird that waddles and quacks – you don’t need me to actually name it…
8. Ask yourself `How would this look in court?’ Before you do or say anything, imagine you’re justifying it to the judge or being cross-examined by your ex’s barrister. If the thought of it makes you cringe…think again.
9. Ask yourself `Does it really matter?’ when your ex does or says something that annoys or upsets you. Ask yourself `Will I care about this in 5 years?’ Chances are – you won’t. You’ll probably forget it even happened or was said—it’ll just be old history. Doing this can sometimes de escalate a situation. It’s not unusual for a small disagreement to blow up into something big that could’ve been avoided.
10. Have someone you can rant too. It’s good to have someone as a `sounding board’ that you can talk it out to until the heat goes out of it. Someone you can say all the stuff you’d like to say to your ex but you know wouldn’t help.
11. Exercise. Physical activity is just about the single best thing you can do for your children and yourself. You will reduce your stress levels. Your sleep quality will improve. It’ll also make you stronger and help you get rid of a lot of the anxiety and frustration you may be feeling.
12. Look after yourself. Eat well, sleep, socialise and have a life outside the court case.

I won’t lie. Some of these will be hard. Your (hostile) ex will know how to push your buttons regardless of whether they’re a narcissist or not. If you have a children there is a good chance they are going to be in your life for years to come. If they are a narcissist, the best thing you can do with one of them is to have nothing to do with them at all…but if you have children with them? This really complicates stuff!

Back to the top

Conclusion

There’s no easy answer here. Your ex may be a narcissist. Or just angry, upset and/or vengeful. They may have another condition.

Here at Family Law Assistance we’re here to get the best result for your children and for you. We’ve seen our fair share of narcissists in (and out of court) over the years. We know what they’re going to say, what they’re going to do. It means nothing you tell us or anything we see in a hearing will surprise us when we’re by your side.

So when you book an Ask Me Anything online chat with us, you’re already catching up with the narcissist in your life.

Back to the top