Steven Wade is a family law advisor (McKenzie Friend) with nearly 20 years of experience helping people represent themselves in court. Having been through the system personally and supported thousands of others since, he knows what it’s like to face the stress, confusion, and pressure of doing it alone. This blog shares practical insights that empower you to take control of your case — without the legal jargon or the hefty solicitor’s bill.
How to Prove Parental Alienation in the UK Family Court
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How to prove Parental Alienation
- Introduction
- What is parental alienation?
- Don’t call it parental alienation!
- So what DO I call it?
- How can I let the court know about parental alienation without calling it that?
- What can the court do about parental alienation?
- How does the court deal with parental alienation?
- Case law on parental alienation
- Conclusion
Introduction
Parental alienation is a hot topic and a contentious one too. Some people will tell you it is endemic and ignored by the court systems and specialists who work with them. Others will say that it doesn’t exist at all and it’s an invention of abusers who refuse to accept their children just don’t want a relationship with them because of the awful things they’ve done.
Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, it is increasingly recognised by courts around the world, including in the UK by organisations such as CAFCASS.
I’ve assisted in cases as a McKenzie Friend (I’m not a solicitor) where alienation has been alleged and has most likely happened. They’re in some of the most heart-rending circumstances imaginable: Children feeling torn between their parents and a future that will likely be scarred by what is happening to them.
Facing parental alienation is one of the hardest things a separated parent will ever have to deal with. The heartache caused by worry about the children – their safety, a damaged or absent relationship caused by a hostile ex-partner and the sheer gruelling nature of them being questioned by a seemingly-endless line of experts is hard enough. But when a child says – or acts in a way – that they don’t want a relationship with a parent or only have bad things to say about them, it can seem pointless. Couple that with the attitude of some people and organisations that the only thing that counts is what the children say they want and a `What do you expect US to do about it’ demeanour and the wish to walk away by many parents becomes the least worst of an awful situation.
If you’re facing parental alienation from your children while you are going through the family law system you need to deal with it. Fortunately there is a way.
What is parental alienation?
Ask CAFCASS and they’ll say this:
There is no single definition of ‘alienating behaviours’. We use the term to describe behaviours where one parent or carer expresses an ongoing pattern of negative attitudes and communication about the other parent or carer that have the potential or intention to undermine or even destroy the child’s relationship with their other parent or carer. These behaviours can result from a parent’s feelings of unresolved anger and a desire, conscious or not, to punish the other parent or carer. Alienating behaviours range in intensity and their impact on children.
It’s a broad definition. It means that it can seem hard to pin down at times – leaving parents to tell a court (and others) that their ex-partner is engaging in parental alienation, while being unable to clearly define how it is happening. Coupled with the fact that it is an extremely emotive subject and faced with legal experts who may not even believe it exists (or else that if it does, that it is not happening in any particular case) litigants often end up feeling frustrated and ignored.
But CAFCASS also says:
Perpetrators of domestic abuse will sometimes attempt to deflect blame, or reverse culpability, by making counter-allegations that the victim is alienating the child against them when in fact their child has come to their own conclusions based on their experiences.
This means it’s a double-edged sword. If it looks like parental alienation and you wish to bring it to the attention of the court at all, you need to be sure that your behaviour is beyond reproach – because blaming your ex-partner for something that you are responsible for will only damage your children…and your case.
Don’t call it parental alienation!
Let’s assume you are sure – after much introspection and thought – that your children are being alienated against you and it’s damaging their relationship with you. You will want to bring this to the attention of the court.
How do you do that? Especially if we’ve just said `don’t call it parental alienation’?
CAFCASS prefer to call it `alienating behaviours‘ too, as opposed to `parental alienation’ now.
The simple answer is to take things back to basics and think about what the Family Court is concerned with. It comes down to the Paramountcy Principle – the very first lines in the Children Act:
(1)When a court determines any question with respect to—
(a)the upbringing of a child; or
(b)the administration of a child’s property or the application of any income arising from it,
the child’s welfare shall be the court’s paramount consideration.
In short? The court isn’t there to label you or your ex (in the same way it isn’t there to diagnose your ex as a narcissist). It’s there to act in the best interests of your child. Using emotionally loaded labels often undermines your case and risks appearing vindictive rather than child-focused.
The court isn’t in existence to help parents labelling each other. As well as potentially irritating the court it shows a lack of child focus, a refusal to work with an ex-partner and a wish to punish the mother or father of your child.
Avoid doing this – it rarely helps and often backfires.
So what DO I call it?
The simple answer is you don’t call it anything. Neither `parental alienation’ or `parental alienation’.
Here’s where we reframe what is going on in a child-focused manner. The court isn’t in the business of labelling your ex. It won’t help your children for their mother or father to be labelled. That will change nothing. It won’t provide clarity to the court because you’re not professionally qualified to diagnose your ex (probably), you’re not neutral about it (almost certainly) and you are definitely not court-appointed to do so (definitely).
You’re a mum or dad.
As such you want to act in the best interests of your children, expect your ex-partner to do so – and when you need help…you are going to seek it, once you have identified the problem.
The answer is – you describe the issues…you don’t label them. That’s it.
Michaela says `It may walk like a duck, look like a duck, quack like a duck…but you don’t call it duck. You describe it and let the court come to its own conclusions. She’s got a point.
How can I let the court know about parental alienation without calling it that?
If you’re writing statements in the right way there will be an opportunity to discuss these behaviours. You should have an opportunity to speak to a CAFCASS officer or a social worker, you can discuss these (do it in a way that doesn’t blame your ex). In court, you can raise these behaviours in cross-examination. You can gather evidence about what the children (and your ex-partner) have done and said to build a picture of what is happening.
It’s also worth asking the following sorts of questions:
- If the children aren’t seeing you at all – where are they getting a negative view of you as it doesn’t come from a vacuum.
- Did they wake up one morning and decide they didn’t want a relationship with one of their parents?
- What is the other parent doing to promote the relationship with you.
To every situation it is important that YOU provide a solution too. Don’t count on the court or your (alienating?) ex to do so – you may well end up disappointed.
💬 Are your children being alienated and you need help making sure the court knows? Book your Ask Me Anything Call for just £125 + VAT and we’ll give you a game plan.
What can the court do about parental alienation?
The Court has a `wide ambit of discretion (meaning it has an awful lot of options open to it). Among the things a court can order are:
- Psychological/experts speaking to the children to understand what is going on.
- Ordering contact despite the opposition of your ex/children.
- Ordering a change of residence despite the opposition of your ex/children.
…and more.
Sadly, it’s also far from unknown for a court to effectively throw its hands up in the air and say `There’s nothing we can do’ while organisations such as CAFCASS will say they recommend no contact because that’s in line with the child’s wishes and feelings, or saying that maybe the alienated parent can make a fresh application if the children change their minds.
What do you expect me to do about it?’ the CAFCASS officer said my client. `If the children don’t want contact, we can’t force them to take part. If we leave it for a while so they don’t feel pressured they’re more likely to change their minds.
How does the court deal with parental alienation?
The Family Justice Council have guidance on parental alienation…sorry `alienating behaviour’ in `Family Justice Council Guidance on responding to a child’s unexplained reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with a parent and allegations of alienating behaviour‘ (published in December 2024). It’s worth reading if you want to find out how the court may think if your case involves this too.
Many a case has ended in this way and it is just a way of kicking the issue into the long grass and hoping it’ll go away.
Even if this is the case it is important to state that the court has an obligation to investigate why this situation has come to pass even if it feels it is unable to do anything about it. Because a child deciding they don’t want to see a parent to begin is a major event. It’s not always in their best interests assuming that the parent in question has done nothing to warrant this treatment either.
Because at the end of the day, parental alienation is abuse.
Case law on parental alienation
The court is alive to parental alienation. Here are a few case that reference it:
Re S (Transfer of Residence) [2010] EWCA Civ 219
The court ordered a change of residence from the mother to the father due to serious emotional harm caused by the mother’s obstructive behaviour.
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The child had been alienated from the father by the mother’s consistent undermining and manipulation.
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The court emphasised the importance of a child’s right to a relationship with both parents, and took the unusual step of transferring residence to the non-resident parent.
Re A (Residence Order) [2010] EWCA Civ 278
The Court of Appeal upheld a residence order in favour of the father where the mother had persistently interfered with contact.
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While “parental alienation” wasn’t the term used, the judgment addressed similar patterns: refusal to support contact, bad-mouthing, and psychological pressure on the child.
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The judgment reinforced the idea that continuity of care can be overridden when a child’s welfare demands decisive action.
Re H-B (Contact) [2015] EWCA Civ 389
The Court of Appeal criticised the lower court for failing to address the mother’s role in obstructing contact.
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The child was refusing contact, but the court failed to investigate whether the refusal was genuinely the child’s wishes or influenced by the mother.
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Highlights that the child’s expressed wishes must be evaluated critically, especially if they may be a result of pressure or influence.
It’s important to realise that case law can both help and hinder your argument in court though – so use it wisely!
When do I need to let the court know what is going on?
If your children are being alienated, it’s important to deal with it as soon as possible. You know already that you shouldn’t be calling it `parental alienation’ but what do you do?
A key step is to speak to an expert on this phenomenon. You need to do it as soon as possible. Don’t hesitate. I’ve seen multiple people leave it too late to do this to their cost. You are going to need the court’s permission to do this – and of course your ex may well object but it’s something you need to consider very carefully and as soon as possible.
Planning is everything.
Conclusion
Family court hearings are hard enough as it is without parental alienation. Parents who are happy to keep going because they know they are acting in the best interests of the children can feel it is a hopeless case when the children they love so much apparently show indifference or even hatred. It can make the most loving and determined mum or dad give up.
The response of the court is here.
And while it is understandable that parents feel that examples of this awful behaviour should be called out and dealt with, giving it a label often results in the court putting the shutters down and not understanding what is actually going on. As always, it’s important to stay child-focused, calm and objective as much as possible.
Because as always, while there are no guarantees in court, there are good and bad ways of doing things – and saying `parental alienation’ isn’t one of the good ones.
Updated 18th June 2025
This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.
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