Steven Wade is a family law advisor (McKenzie Friend) with nearly 20 years of experience helping people represent themselves in court. Having been through the system personally and supported thousands of others since, he knows what it’s like to face the stress, confusion, and pressure of doing it alone. This blog shares practical insights that empower you to take control of your case — without the legal jargon or the hefty solicitor’s bill.
How do I get full custody of my child?
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How do I get full custody of my child?
- Introduction
- What is full custody?
- What should you be asking for instead of full custody?
- What can the Family Court order?
- What is a court order?
- What do you ask for if you’re asking `How do I get full custody of my child?’
- What I think you’re asking for when you say `I’m looking for full custody of my child’
- How do I get the court to order I want?
- What the court will consider when it’s deciding who gets full custody
- What are my options now?
Introduction
You’re almost certainly here because you’re asking `How do I get full custody of my child?’
It’s very important to say this: If you’ve Googled this question (and you’re in England and Wales) you’re almost certainly going to be surprised by the answer to it and after taking it in you are going to be asked another set of questions which are really going to help you when you represent yourself in your case.
By the end of this blog post you’re going to be better equipped to know what you should be asking for in your family court case. This will enable you to understand how the court process works, what the law is and most crucially to make your argument as effective as possible.
Here we go!
What is full custody?
Despite it being a common question, most people aren’t quite clear what `full custody‘ means. When the term comes up you’ll get a huge number of answers if you ask this.
People think it means:
- The children live with them full time and visits the other parent (maybe).
- It being `on record’ that the children live with them.
- One parent gets to make all the decisions.
- The ability to call the police to get the children back if the other parent doesn’t return them.
- The children stay with them every night.
- A combination of the above or something entirely different.
If I had a pound every time someone told me custody is a thing I’d be very rich!
`Everyone knows what full custody is’ he told me. `It’s a well known concept in law’. I explained that as it had no legal definition that if he used the term in court he’d be asked what he meant by it. He told me I was wrong and that it was common knowledge. When I asked him what his definition was he wasn’t able to tell me.
It’s frustrating and I see this every single day. No one is ever helped by using this term. So what should they be asking for?
What should you be asking for instead of full custody?
The truth though? It means none of what I list in the previous section. Which means if you’re asking a court for custody you’re almost certainly not going to get what you expect even if the court agrees with. All of the above can be ordered by a court in one form or another, but it has nothing to do with custody.
OK – so I’ve said what full custody isn’t. So what is it then?
The answer is it’s nothing. Because there is no such thing as custody.
The term (in England and Wales) has had no real legal basis since 1989 when the Children Act came into force. So if you’re walking into court and asking for custody you’re going to be met with blank looks. The judge will try to work out what you actually want – probably mentioning some of the above to work out what order the court can make in line with what you’d like (assuming of course it thinks they are in the best interests of the children).
It’s comparable with people believing McDonalds has a `secret menu’ that will give you weird and wonderful burgers that aren’t advertised. And then being shocked when the man/woman behind the counter doesn’t know what a `McTriple Loaded Chilli Chicken Salad Sandwich is’. Instead you’ll be asked what what you want in the burger instead.
If you have a solicitor, they should be telling you this long before you get anywhere near the court. If you’re representing yourself though you definitely need to know this now.
I appreciate this may not be the answer you’re looking for. So what should you be asking for? That’s what comes next in this post.
What can the Family Court order?
That depends on what you actually want to happen. And what powers the court actually has.
There are certain things the court can order and certain things it can’t. For example things the court can order includes:
- How the children divide their time between the parents
- Details of who the children live with
- What their names should be
- Where handovers take place
- Which schools they go to
- Details of medical treatment
- When/if they travel abroad
But the court can’t afford certain things such as:
- Telling parents they have to communicate with their ex
- Forcing a parent to provide clothes when a child is handed over
- Specifying who has to pay the transport costs for children
- Dictating what the children does while with the other parent
- Demanding additional money on top of legal requirements
- Supporting a parent who wants to meet their ex’s new partner
- Telling a parent to disclose their address to their ex partner
Don’t get me wrong – the court may think that some of the above are reasonable, fair and perhaps even in the best interests of the child. It may say something along the lines of `You can’t be compelled to do any of these, but it would demonstrate good faith on your part and a constructive attitude’. It may even draw inferences that you/your ex is hostile. But it doesn’t have the power to force you.
What this means however is that depending on your definition of `custody’ the court may not even have the power to order what it is you’d like to happen.
So now we’re going to go into details of what a court order looks like.
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What is a court order?
It’s a basic question, but it’s worth asking. Ask a solicitor and they’ll say something like it being `judgement or ruling that is officially given by a judge‘.
It can mean the piece of paper you walk out of a hearing with (or emailed to you). It’s worth pointing out there are different kinds of orders – and that they’re often bundled together onto that piece of paper, addressing different issues concerning the children.
Orders concerning children include:
- Children Arrangements Orders. These can be subdivided between:
- How the children divide their time with each parent.
- Which parent the children `live’ with.
- Specific Issues Orders – addressing matters such as changing children’s names, details about education, medical treatment, holidays and relocation.
- Prohibited Steps Order – preventing parents doing things like changing children’s names, making decisions about education, medical treatment, holidays and relocation.
There are others – but these 3 make up the bulk of private child applications (i.e. between parents who can’t agree arrangements for children). An order can contain all or some of the above.
Orders can also contain `recitals’ and `undertakings’.
Confusingly enough, neither of these are actually `orders’ even though they will be in the order.
A `recital’ is some information to clarify a situation or note something; they’re not enforceable. An `undertaking’ is a solemn promise to the court to either do, or not do, something – and breaking a promise to the court can have severe consequences.
What do you ask for if you’re asking `How do I get full custody of my child?’
So with all this in mind, it’s important to be clear about what you want and what you’re asking for.
I’m going to turn the tables on you right now and ask you a question, one that your solicitor probably hasn’t asked you. And one you may have to answer once you get in front of a judge.
The question is:
What do you want the court to order?
It’s a question you should answer on your application, on your position statement and when the judge asks you once you’re in the actual hearing. Once you have a clear answer to this question you can work backwards and answer the other inevitable questions you’re going to have to answer to make decisions for your children or to a court if you can’t agree arrangements.
What I think you’re asking for when you say `I’m looking for full custody of my child’
So now I’m going to mind read you and tell you – using the above list what orders the court can grant to give you what you want.
If you want:
- The children to live with you you need a `lives with’ order (previously a `residence order’).
- It being `on record’ that the children live with you you need a `lives with’ order.
- To make all the decisions you need a `Child Arrangement’ order that deals with each decision (it’s unlikely to happen if your ex has PR though).
- The ability to call the police to get the children back if your ex doesn’t return them that can’t happen – the court doesn’t have that power
- The children stay with you every night you need a `Child Arrangement’ order.
The order you walk out with can contain one or a combination of the above. Orders don’t have to say who your children live with (although many solicitors still claim otherwise and many a draft order will contain it slipped in with neither comment or agreement).
How do I get the court to order I want?
The simple answer is to convince the court that what you are seeking is in the best interests of the children.
Of course, that’s easier said than done and where all the work takes place.
Because your ex probably disagrees on what your children’s best interests are. And if you can’t solve things via discussion, via mediation or anything else – that leaves the court to order a solution.
The court will only make an order if it thinks not making one will be bad for the children too – in other words, the onus is on you to sell a solution. Turning up in court and saying `I want custody’ on it’s own will go precisely nowhere. Because as you now know, `custody’ isn’t a thing. If you say `I want a `lives with’ order’ you’re going to have to say what harm might come to the children if the court doesn’t make one.
Think about the answer before you go to court because it may make you realise you don’t have a good answer. It’ll give you time and space to formulate a sensible, well thought out answer too – time and space that doesn’t involve you sitting in a courtroom facing a judge who is short of time and patience and a hostile barrister who is there with a clever legal argument about why his/her client should have one and not you.
The same is true when you talk about how the children should divide their time between you and their other parent.
What the court will consider when it’s deciding who gets full custody
A great way to start is to look at the Welfare Checklist (it’s Section 1 of the Children Act) which details the criteria the court will look at when it is asked to make a decision (or order) about your children. The criteria are:
- The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of their age and understanding).
- Physical, emotional and educational needs.
- Likely effect on them of any change in his circumstances.
- Their age, sex, background and any characteristics the court considers relevant.
- Any harm which they have suffered or is at risk of suffering.
- How capable each parent is and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, is of meeting their needs.
- The range of powers available to the court.
Every point you need to raise with the court needs to apply one (or more) of the above. If it isn’t it isn’t relevant you’ll be wasting your time when you could be making good points to support your argument.
It’s important to be positive, child-focused and forward looking at all times too. The court wants solutions; it’s not an arena to air grievances that have no bearing on the best interests of your child.
What are my options now?
You have a few paths open to you. They are:
- Accept the current arrangement.
- Discuss things with your ex directly.
- Discuss things with your ex via mediation.
- Take it to court.
Option 4 is the worst of all if you can fix things using options 1, 2 or 3.
Court can be expensive, stressful, time-consuming and upsetting. your children may be dragged into it with CAFCASS, social services, and psychological reports, disrupting both your lives and theirs, legal correspondence and attending meetings. It’s likely to further damage relations with your ex partner too.
Hopefully, now you’ve got this far you’re going to be asking something else than `How do I get full custody of my child?’ – because you know it’s confusing to everyone as well as making it sound like you don’t know what you’re actually asking for.
If you do have to go to court, focus. Focus purely on the best interests of your children, remain whiter than white, be positive, calm and reasonable no matter what. Your patience will be tested – but you will be doing it for all the right reasons: Your children.
Updated 17th June 2025
This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.
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